


The Balcony

by businessirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: First War with Voldemort, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hogwarts Sixth Year, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2020-11-28 16:36:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20969675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/businessirius/pseuds/businessirius
Summary: Remus and Sirius loving each other, even when the loving hurts, soundtracked by Catfish and the Bottlemen's record 'The Balcony'





	1. Homesick (Remus)

_I said, "I'm only looking out for you"_  
_She said, "It's obvious that's a lie"_

No sooner had Remus entered Gryffindor’s common room, exhausted after writing a 30-inches essay on Ancient Runes, Peter, sat on the armchair next to the fireplace, urgently shouted:

“Moony! MUM! Now!”

He approached him to find James sat crossed legged on the floor, with the mischievous grin he usually had when hosting a Marauders’ Urgent Meeting.

“Where’s Pads?” he inquired, knowing Sirius would flip out if we started a MUM without him. James tilted his head to his left and Remus’ gaze followed the movement, finding Sirius and Valerie Rosenberger sat on the stairs, laughing with their legs touching. “Oh” he felt his stomach sinking, but tried to sound nonchalant “Is he getting it?”

“When is Padfoot not getting any?” Peter replied with another question and Remus felt his sinking stomach turning “It amazes me, how he can flirt with the entire sixth year and still be taken seriously. I miss when he was thirteen and average-looking.”

Sirius had never been average looking, but by now, their sixth year, Remus should be used to the fact that his good looks were no longer something he quietly noticed and kept to himself, but instead common knowledge, well-known and well-discussed throughout the school.

“So do I” Remus agreed, sitting down on the sofa “Shall we proceed then?”

“Yes” James said enthusiastically “So, Wormtail laid hands on this powder, that will turn the hair of whoever ingests it bright-pink for 2 days, and, here’s the best part – there is not a single spell that can undo it”

“We want to give the Slytherins a free makeover” Peter carried on “James thought about pouring it into their dinner beverages. We don’t know how long it takes for it to start working, but hopefully they will wake up with their hair dyed”

“It’s easy to sneak on the kitchen after dinner, but how are we going to do it before, with all the house elves there?” Remus pointed out.

“Great question Moony!” James clapped once and threw finger-guns at his direction “That’s exactly why we need you to tell them that Madame Pomfrey has asked to see them immediately”

“30 elves? And what am I supposed to do next, since Madame Pomfrey doesn’t actually want to see them?”

“We only need like 10 seconds, really” Peter explained “Just get them out the kitchen and send them back right after. They would never follow Prongs not Pads, and since I found the powder, I’m out of it”

“Okay, but you owe me one. Next homework we have, you’re going to do mine” I negotiated

“As if you would hand out something so mediocre with your name on it, Honor Student” Peter teased back, and Remus laughed.

“Alright, next detention then. If I’m caught red-handed, you take the fall”

“I’m going to agree with that, only because you never get caught” Peter smiled satisfied “Have you ever-”

“Lads” Sirius interrupted him, letting himself fall on the sofa next to Remus, maybe a little bit too close “Any plans for tomorrow’s Hogsmeade visit?”

“Tell us yours” James demanded playfully “Valerie asked you out?”

“Well, it was mentioned” Sirius carried his words “but I needed to know what you were up to first”

“I have a date with Mary MacDonald” Peter grinned “I was thinking about walking around for a bit and then going in for a couple butterbeers, what do you think?”

“Delightful” James replied.

“Simple, but effective” Remus agreed.

“Flirty, but respectful” Sirius added.

“I asked Evans” James said “and she told me Snape had already asked her. And asked me to join them.”

“And, naturally, you refused” Sirius guessed ironically, a ghost of a smile creeping up as he leaned closer to Remus.

“Actually-”

Sirius laughed loudly, “I can’t picture a more pathetic scenario than the three of you chugging butterbeer together”

“It’s better than just the two of them” James argued, hugging his knees.

“Is it really? He sinks lower every time he opens that greasy mouth, besides the fact that Evans doesn’t seem as stupid as you, she will eventually get it. You’re just like” Sirius argued back, waving his hand and then resting it dangerously close to Remus leg “retarding the process”

James dramatically buried his face in his knees, and Sirius carried on:

“But worry not, my friend. Me and Moony can tag along, right?” he finally looked at Remus, eyes bright, and proceeded without waiting for an answer “Alleviate the environment, keep the conversation going, a little black magic, you know”

“And your date?” Remus asked, trying to sound laid-back and failing miserably.

“I’m on a higher mission of camaraderie, dear Moony. As Jesus said” Sirius paused dramatically “bros before hoes”

“Before or after being crucified?” Peter asked for clarification, amused.

“While he was at it, actually” Sirius mocked “But I suppose you didn’t call a MUM to discuss Christianity?”

“Right, listen up” Peter said while adjusting to a more comfortable position and started explaining the plan throughout.

Sirius listened attentively and congratulated Peter in the end, obviously agreeing to participate.

“Imagine Jane Gaines with bright pink hair” James suggested, and they all chuckled.

“Merlin, imagine Wallace O’Toole” Remus added, and they laughed even more

“Imagine Snivellus” Sirius said “Shit, suddenly I’m so excited for Saturday”.

They kept laughing and naming funny-looking Slytherins until they were the only ones in the common room. By then, Sirius laid his head on Remus’ lap; he seemed so untouchable, laying there, golden in the firelight, so Remus leaned over to touch him, grabbing his ear lobe. Sirius looked over at him and smiled like his heart hadn’t missed a beat. Remus smiled wider.

“Do you know what time it is?” Grace Laemmer, the Head Girl, asked when she was back from her rounds “Up, up to the dormitory, and keep quiet!”

As if they could keep quiet the night before a prank.

//

Monday passed by really fast. The four of them started the day with Potions, then Remus and Sirius went to Ancient Runes (Remus’ favourite) and finally he and James were off to Divination. After lunch, they all had DADA and then James and Sirius went to their Quidditch practice.

“Want to go and watch them?” Remus asked Peter.

“I don’t get your eagerness to watch the practices when you don’t really understand what’s going on” Peter, who according to James also didn’t understand what was really going on, pointed out.

Remus shrugged. Who does one explain the pure bliss that comes from reading in the sun and occasionally stealing glances at Sirius with his hair up, in shorts shorter than the strictly necessary?

“I can also beat your ass in reverse chess if that’s what you want, Wormtail”

“Now we’re talking, Moony” Peter grinned, and they rushed to the common room.

Three hours went by and Remus was mercilessly losing at reverse chess when James busted the common room door open.

“I believe you’re having the time of your life lads” Sirius said while entering the room, his hair dripping wet and a huge grin on his face “but duty calls”

While the three of them rushed to the secret passage between the dormitory and the kitchen, Remus took the long way through the castle corridors and started to run when he was close enough to be seen.

“Elves, quickly, follow me!” he shouted “Madame Pomfrey needs all of you, right now. It’s really urgent, so I will explain on the way”

Suspicious, but bound to stick to orders, the Elves left the kitchen and followed him through the corridor, a couple stairs and another corridor.

“Wait” Remus stopped “Now that I think things through, she might have asked for herbs, not elves. Similar words, you know. So, I guess I’m going to look for Assistant Sprout, if you don’t mind. I’m sorry”

The elves sighed, used to being played with but stuck in that unfair position, and made their way back to the kitchen, while Remus ran back to the dormitory. As soon as he opened the door, three 15-year-olds threw themselves at him, and them all fell down.

“All smooth sailing, Moony?” James, who was on top, checked and he made confirming noises.

“You’re amazing” said Sirius, right above him, smiling against his cheek. At times like this, he wondered if he knew.

“I’m also out of breath, so” he said, and James laughed. They all got up and calmed themselves, down before casually going to dinner, where they feasted like they felt they deserved.

“I think we should go directly to the common room now” Sirius said as he finished off his desert “Be seen by the maximum of people possible, so we won’t be associated to a possible pink problem tomorrow”

“Absolutely” Peter agreed “I’m lowkey nervous about tomorrow, though”

“It’s fine Wormtail, they don’t have any evidence against us-”

“He’s talking about Mary, dumbass” Sirius “He’s like, going on a date. Do you know what a date is?”

“Fuck off” James told him, before starting to hype Peter up, initiating a pep talk that would last until they all fell asleep.

//

Like any other Tuesday, their free day, Remus woke up earlier than any of them, and started reading his book. He loved Tuesday mornings – the only sounds were the birds chirping and the heavy breathing of their best friends, and it was so peaceful that he cried sometimes.

After a while, Sirius woke up and stepped out of bed.

“Morning Moony” he said, smiling, and Remus smiled back. He also loved morning-Sirius, with messy hair and raspy voice and squinted eyes. He frowned when he looked at what Remus was reading “I know that book. Where’d get that?”

“Forbidden section”

“Why on earth” Sirius stretched, and his t-shirt lifted slightly, revealing two inches of soft skin “would you want to read that eugenics shit?”

“Have at least try to understand the other side, right?”

Sirius shot him a confused look, undercut with disgust.

“I know better ways of self-loathing” he said haughtily as he approached him, sitting on the edge of his bed, asking for a little quarrel.

“Fear comes from misinformation” Remus argued, closing his book “Think we should understand where our opinions diverge, that’s all”

“In everything. That’s bullshit. Bullshit that kept werewolves out of school for eons, and what else.”

“I know, and I agree with you, it’s bullshit-”

“And it’s violent-”

“Yes, it is, but it is also-”

“And have you gotten to the homosexuality part?” Sirius said in one breath, and then looked away. Remus’ heart skipped a beat. “I haven’t read it, but I know it’s, uh, not very nice”

“Yeah, it’s vile” Remus agreed, aware that he had fought back tears as he was reading it “but it’s also full of, like, contradictions, and plot-holes. Makes zero fucking sense sometimes. That’s it, I guess, that’s how they fight. With a crazy amount of misinformation, and violence. And if we only fight back with violence, we will lose. We need something else, don’t you think? Like some kind of truth, enlightenment, I don’t know”

Sirius scoffed, finally looking back at him, “Don’t think a moral high ground will take you much far in a war”

Remus frowned, and Sirius mirrored his expression.

“So, your plan would be just kicking ass without giving it much thought?”

“Basically. Starting out by calling a family meeting”

Remus looked down, uncomfortable. He didn’t know what to say whenever Sirius brought his family up, which rarely happened around him.

“Can you lower your morning sex down? I’m trying to sleep” James grunted, and Sirius smiled slightly “What are you talking about?”

“Just me murdering my family once a war kicks in. Boy talk, you know” Sirius replied, and James straightened up “Not Moony though, he will win on his own, with books and pretty spells. Because he is oh so enlightened”

“Oh, fuck off” Remus said, getting up and heading to the bathroom “If you were going to give me shit, you shouldn’t have asked”

“Moony!” James called dramatically “I believe in you, I know you will be the last one standing! Raise my kids afterwards!”

Remus rolled his eyes and woke Peter up so they could go down for breakfast as soon as possible. They were met with the marvellous sight of bright pink heads running around, and they all started to laugh uncontrollably.

“I bet a million galleons it was you, Black” Hector Macmillan, from Slytherin, stared furiously at Sirius.

“I wish it had been me, really. That colour brings attention to your pretty eyes”

“Fucking faggot” he spat, turning his back and Sirius froze for a second, until Heather Fair, from Ravenclaw, appeared from behind him and told her it was “bloody brilliant”. He greeted her with the brightest smile.

They stayed in the Great Hall, gathering and commenting the variety of reactions, until it was time for classes. They went torturously slow, as they always did before Hogsmeade. Peter went to meet Mary in the common room, after being showered with compliments and encouragement during Potions, and James, Sirius and Remus made their way to the front gates.

Lily approached them as soon as they met the cold outside air. “Severus isn’t coming. I think it’s related to that stupid prank” she stated, and James looked at Sirius “have you got anything to do with it?”

“Of course not” Sirius said, shivering since he was only wearing a leather jacket over one layer of clothing. Remus though of offering him his coat but decided against it.

“We’ve been knees-deep in your Transfiguration essays” Peter backed him up.

“Remus?” she asked “Tell me the truth”

“Lily?” he mocked “I wouldn’t go for pink, obviously”

They all laughed.

“It’s was kind of funny though” James pointed out, and Sirius threw his head back, exasperated. Remus laughed harder.

“I guess” Lily admitted “I just wish Severus wasn’t embarrassed to the point of missing Hogsmeade, you know? It would be cool if he just went along with the pink hair”.

“Do you think pink hair would suit me?” Sirius asked, and Lily laughed.

“Would you go for pink, in his case?” Lily asked Remus, and he shook his head.

“Purple definitely”

“All of it? Or just the tips?”

“Highlights, I think”

“I dare you” Lily smiled at Sirius.

“Challenge accepted, red. You’re about to lose the best-hair-in-Gryffindor crown, I’m warning you”

“I’m looking forward to it, Black”

“Come on, Moony” Sirius said, turning their back on James and Lily “We’ll catch you later”

Sirius led the way to the hairdressing salon, and politely asked the lady attending to show him the purple hair dyes.

“Pick one” he said to Remus, leaning against him.

Remus looked at the four different shades of purple, pointing to the second one “You have a jumper of the same colour, right?” he asked, and Sirius nodded, smirking “It suits you”

Sirius paid for it, thanked and complimented the lady, and when they left the store, he showed Remus’ the tiny metal box he used to hide his dry gillyweed.

“No James and Lily?” Remus asked, silently hoping for a no.

“Nah” Sirius smiled, and they went to the little hill outside Hogsmeade centre, arms brushing.

Sirius rolled the gillyweed up and lit it with his wand, and they smoked in silence.

“You looked so horrified when I said I would start with a family meeting, this morning” Sirius said eventually, passing the joint back to Remus.

“I’m sorry” Remus sighed “It’s a good think that you want to talk to me about them, I wish I would’ve reacted better”

“Probably manifesting murder desires isn’t the best way to talk about them”

“I knew you weren’t serious- ay” he laughed and coughed at the same time, which made Sirius smile “I know you would never harm them”

“I would, though” he said as his smile faded, looking down and wrapping his arms around himself “If it came to it, I would”

“I don’t think it will. From supporting regressive views to actually acting upon them and killing other wizards comes a long way, right?”

“Not really” Sirius’ mouth twisted “A war is coming, Remus, and my family is in the frontline”

Remus felt it in his stomach, cold and sharp like a gust of wind in the winter. They had talked about war as all young people who think they’re hot shit talk about war, in heated debates over The Prophet and promises of revolution. They hadn’t talked about it like that, in hushing sincerity, in fear. It felt more real, and definitely closer.

“Then we will be on the frontline too” he said as he stubbed the joint between them, trying to sound more convincing, and brave, than he felt. “And we will make it. I mean, who’s the greatest team?”

“We are” Sirius smiled, and grabbed his hand.

Remus felt heat waves through his whole body and a rush of blood to his heart. Suddenly hyper aware of the blood flowing through his veins, he could also feel it in Sirius’ fingertips, accelerated, flowing. He made a conscious effort to inhale and exhale.

The four of them had their fair share of physical contact – random hugs and arms above shoulders, affectionate notches or pats on the back. A little weird when James started, but always welcomed since they all got used to it.

But with Sirius was different, Remus had known it since the fourth year, when he started to long for casual touches and going over nice things Sirius had said, or done, before falling asleep – when he realized how caught up he was, and how messy it would be if it showed, it was already too late to undo it. Two years later and he still went all red whenever Sirius got his shirt off by pulling at the back of the neck.

He had never let his unresolved feelings get in the way of their friendship, though: he had made peace with the fact that they would never be more than friends and that Sirius would kiss every girl he wanted to. It upset him, yes, but was possible to bear.

What was unbearable was the tension that sometimes popped up out of the blue, the looks Sirius would give him that he wouldn’t know how to read, the odour he could smell of him when they sat really close. And, worst of it all, his capacity to hear Sirius’ heartbeat, knowing how it sped up whenever they touched briefly, whenever one of them was caught staring, whenever he laughed at a joke Sirius made or complimented him or said his name in a certain way.

So, while Remus could brush off legs-touching-while-studying and resting-head-on-lap as platonic gestures, holding hands felt like a statement. As Sirius brushed his fingers against a scar at the back of his hand, he felt too overwhelmed to pretend that he didn’t care what it felt like for Sirius.

“What are you doing?” he asked, quietly.

“Just staring at the Shrieking Shack. What do you think they’re going to do with it once you’re gone?”

“No- I” Remus inhaled deeply, and Sirius faced him “Refusing the date with Valerie, holding my hand. What are you doing?”

“I’m just looking out for you” he shrugged, but Remus felt him tense up.

“It’s obvious that’s a lie”

“Excuse me? I didn’t want to leave my friend alone at Hogwarts while we were all out at Hogsmeade, that’s all”

“Oh, so this is a pity date?” he felt pathetic as soon as he said it, and it worsened when he noticed how Sirius heartbeat increased.

“This is not a date in the first place-”

“I- I didn’t mean it like-”

“And I’m sorry you are so deprived of romantic contact to think otherwise” Sirius finished up, letting go of his hand and sitting further away.

“What the fuck?” Remus felt his blood boiling with anger “As if snogging girls you barely know is quality romantic contact?”

“Are you jealous?” Sirius let out a mean laugh “You’re just high man, and reading too much into things. Not everyone has the mental energy to analyse everything that happens or is said, and I don’t need a fucking interrogation over a two-minute hand holding but, for what is worth, I wasn’t doing nothing but acting spontaneously and it didn’t mean shit”

“Don’t need to get your panties in a twist, Merlin! I just tried to give you space to tell me anything you might want-”

“Like what?” he interrupted him, looking at him like he was prey, and cornered. That’s how Remus felt, at least, and he started getting up, before he spilled it all out “No, stay please, and tell me what were you-”

“Fuck off, Sirius” he brushed off his trousers and turned away “Honestly, do as you please, but next time you want to hold my hand, just make sure to mean anything by it”

“Oh, mighty Remus Lupin speaks from his moral high ground” Sirius cried out, because he always had to have the last word when they were arguing, even if he didn’t say anything worthy “and judges the lesser men for acting upon emotion and acting without calculating the risks! Don’t worry, it won’t fucking happen again”


	2. Kathleen (Sirius)

_“I know that I'll never work out exactly how you're thinking_   
_But let me know when I’m needed home_   
_And I'll come”_

Sirius wanted to go after Remus, but he wouldn’t know what to say. So un-Sirius like, huh?

Sirius avoided thinking too much about it, but he knew Remus fancied him. It was in the corner of his eyes when he stared at him, in the corner of his mouth when he shot him that grin that he saved just for him, in the way he said his name, rolling the r.

So, he knew how Remus felt. But he didn’t know what Remus wanted, because when Remus Lupin wants something, he claims it and he focus on it and he doesn’t rest until he gets it, which he always does. And in this case, he didn’t claim it (although “next time you want to hold my hand, just make sure to mean anything by it” was pretty suggestive, if he wanted his hand held he would have just leave it be, or make a move himself), and he was not really focused (he had kissed Natalie Dunne last year, after all) and he wasn’t restless (look at him, leaving). So, there was always the possibility of rejection in front of a formal and unmistakable approach. Seemed like he was avoiding a collision.

But the truth was that Sirius didn’t know what he wanted Remus to want, because he himself didn’t know what he wanted.

He knew what he did not want: he did not want to unbalance the precise equilibrium of their friendship. He did not want to make Peter or James uncomfortable. He did not want people to think he was a nasty, degenerate faggot – he didn’t believe his mother’s pureblood rhetoric, yes, but having the chapter on homosexuality read to him every night for a whole summer had left some remains. He did not want to find out they were not that compatible, that maybe he was just flattered, or simply horny for love, same as any other 16-year-old. So, when he thought about it, he was glad that Remus kept it on the friendship’s threshold.

But then, there was his magic, that inexplicably was at its best whenever he was next to Remus, especially when he was casting a spell towards him. Not to mention his Patronus: he, who had only been able to cast an incorporeal light, was practicing it with James when, out of his wand, a silvery wolf came out.

James laughed loudly, for a good while “Can I tell him?”, he had asked with tears in his eyes.

“No” Sirius had said, embarrassed, and the electricity on the spell remained under his nails during the whole day. “A fucking wolf, for fuck’s sake” he though before falling asleep, and it was his first thought the next morning.

Similar to his magic, his libido, his willingness to lay on his lap and stare at his face (which is objectively nice, he thought, from an aesthetic and platonic point of view – have you noticed his cheekbones?), his occasional dirty thoughts (the way Remus smoked was obscene, and that was a fact, and Sirius was sixteen, wasn’t he supposed to sexualize everything?), the urge to hold his hand that struck him sometimes.

And he couldn’t have stayed quiet and still until he figured it out, could he? No, he had to go and hold his hand, which was definitely more exciting than kissing those girls. Honestly, Sirius didn’t distinguish snogging Phoebe Norwood in the library from running his hands under Tracy Daer’s skirt behind the common room curtains. It was fun, sure, but holding Remus hand was unmatched. His long fingers intertwined with his own, his fingertips brushing on the scar Remus had on the back of his hand, the warm fuzzy sensation below his stomach.

‘Is it a pity date?’ it echoed, and Sirius felt like his answer had not been honest. Would Sirius be fine with it if Remus was alone with someone else, smoking and holding hands? He definitely wouldn’t, and that was not regular friendship jealousy – after all, both Peter and James were on dates with girls and he didn’t give it a second thought.

So, what was he doing, going on a date but refusing to call it so? Sirius knew that things were shifting and he couldn’t stay in that wanting-to-hold-his-hand-but-not-wanting-to-talk-about-itmiddle ground for much longer, it was an ever-growing feeling and they were building something new between them – it was a matter of time before they reached an impasse and it was either make it or break it.

The fatality of it felt intimidating, and neither one of the options seemed like a relieve: if holding Remus’ hands again was terrifying, not holding it again was even worse. Sirius forced himself to stop thinking about it: surely, he was spiraling because he was high, and confused because of Remus provocation (I just tried to give you space to tell me anything you might want was definitely an affront), and once he sobered up he would realize that the friendship he had with Remus was too precious to be ruined by his inability to keep it in is pants.

Freezing, he made his way back to Hogwarts, finding Lily and James, happily chatting.

“Prongs!” he called, when we were almost there, running to catch them “Where were you? We searched everywhere”

“At The Three Broomsticks, so you obviously didn’t” James answered, smiling “Where’s Moony?”

“I had to buy something he couldn’t know about” he lied, and Lily raised an eyebrow “Since you brought it up Prongs, we have got to go to the greenhouse, after dinner”

“Sure thing, Padfoot” he agreed, and filled him up on the huge argument Dean Cassady had with his girlfriend in front of everyone.

“Unbelievable!” Sirius gasped, eyes widen and hands clutching his chest, and they all laughed until they got to the castle.

“I will meet you in the Great Hall!” Sirius said, and then went to the dorm to hide the gillyweed, only to find Remus reading in bed, on his stomach, chewing on chocolate.

“Moony?” Sirius called him quietly, and his heart skipped a beat when Remus looked up. The light behind him made his outline shine like he was a saint “I’m sorry”

Remus stood still, as if waiting for Sirius to go on, which he didn’t.

“I’m sorry too” he ended up saying, his words measured.

“You don’t have to apologize”

“Is that so?” he said, looking Sirius in his eyes.

There it is, Sirius thought as he hid his metal box, an affront. His chance to say what he really meant, and felt, and ask Remus what he did he expect, what did he want.

“Dinner?” he asked instead, and Remus got up. They didn’t say anything on their way to Great Hall, and barely spoke during dinner.

“Pads, ready?” James asked when they were finished, and Sirius nodded.

“Where are you going?” Remus asked.

“Mind your business, Moony” James replied in a playful way, but Remus didn’t find it funny at all.

“We’ll be back soon” Sirius promised as they left the table.

They raced to the Greenhouse (James won), stole three mandrakes leaves and got out of there.

“Were you able to buy the chrysalises?”

“No” Sirius confessed “I don’t think we can find it in Hogsmeade. We got a month though”

After countless hours of research, Peter had come across an Animagi potion. They needed to keep the mandrakes leaves in their mouth for a whole month, and then add their hair, morning dew and one death’s-head hawk moth chrysalises, altogether in a crystal phial, during a lunar eclipse. Finally, they would have to leave the mixture in a dark, quiet place until a lightning storm. That way, they could transform into wild animals whenever they wanted, to keep Remus company during the full moons.

They made that amazing discovery in May, during their fifth year, and found out that the closest lunar eclipse would be on November 6th, a month from where they stood. Even with all the risks, they were beyond excited.

“I bet Filch has some” James assured, while he sat on the grass “So why would Moony leave?”

“Oh. I held his hand”

“Oh. And he just left?”

“He asked me what it meant”

“And you said?”

“I said it meant nothing”

“And he left because he was upset with your answer?”

“I don’t know”

“Did it mean something to you?”

“I don’t know”

“Why did you do it?”

“I don’t know”

“Padfoot”

“I’m serious” Sirius chuckled.

“I don’t want neither of you to get hurt because you don’t know shit”

“Neither do I, Prongs. But it’s not like I can find the answers in a book” Sirius paused “How did you know you liked Evans?”

“I started noticing whenever she wasn’t around, I guess” he replied after giving it some thought.

“Of course I notice when Moony is not around, I spend the whole day with him”

“Well, yeah. Alright, see, my favorite thing to do is just hear her talk. Sharing thoughts, no matter what they are. I could spend 24 hours just listening to her saying shit.”

Sirius, who literally enrolled for Ancient Runes, the most boring class in Hogwarts, just so he could watch Remus discuss it with Professor Houghton and have him explain it afterwards, sighed.

“Isn’t everything he says objectively interesting?” he asked, and James laughed.

“It’s not about the content Pads. Look, I love talking about Quidditch but there’s a point where I just get tired, you know? It never happens with Lily. Just words leaving her mouth man, for eternity”

Sirius sighed again.

“I don’t know”

“I think you do, though”

Sirius half-smiled and they stood there for a while, in comfortable silence.

“What should I do, then?”

“I say you just own it. Go up to him and hit him like _Yes, I fucking fancy you, what are you going to do about it?_ From the way he got upset when you told him you holding his hand didn’t mean nothing and the way he is always undressing you with his eyes, I think odds may be in your favor”

Sirius laughed, before saying “He’s a boy though”

“I hadn’t noticed” James joked

“I don’t want to ruin our platonic friendship”

“I think it’s no longer a platonic friendship from the moment you want to suck his dick-”

“Stop being so vulgar! I didn’t say I wanted to”

“You don’t? If I had to suck a dick, it would certainly be his. Have you noticed how big his feet are?”

“James!”

“You got dibs though” he kept playing “I’m just saying repressed feelings are worse than rejection, or break ups, so you might as well just face them”

“Maybe”

“And look at you, Sirius, holding mandrake leaves in your hand in order to make a potion to turn into a fucking wild animal just so you can make it better for him. What you got is deeper than just infatuation, and I’m sure you’ll be friends forever”

“Thank you” he said sincerely.

“Now, for tomorrow’s Quidditch game” he started, and they discussed strategy for almost one hour, until it was too cold to stay outside.

As soon as they stepped in the common room, Sirius spotted Remus, with Chloe Borough sitting on his lap, laughing obnoxiously loud. He didn’t seem to notice them, not until Peter, who was laying between Mary’s legs, called them over.

“Pads, Prongs, over here!”

“We’re heading to the dorm, got to rest before Quidditch tomorrow” James said while Sirius walked fast to the dormitory.

“Maybe he was just trying to get back at you” James suggested once they were in the dormitory alone.

“Don’t” Sirius pleaded, undressing quickly, without bothering to putting pajamas on, and throwing himself under the covers.

James took his time to get ready, said “Night, Padfoot” before shutting the lights and fell asleep right after. Peter and Remus came after a while and chatted for a bit in Peter’s bed, until he fell asleep, and Remus went to his bed and lit his bedpost lamp, reading for hours.

Sirius stood there, feeling his presence and thinking about him as he struggled to fall asleep.

//

Sirius’ mattress started waving below him after what felt like 5 minutes of sleep. He hated waking up with loud alarms, so he had chanted his bed to wake him up every day at 7:45 a.m. James found it amazing and did the same, so they were the ones responsible to wake Peter and Remus up.

However, despite the Quidditch match, Sirius was not feeling it today. He groaned and turned to the other side, obligating James to chant a series of “wake up Sirius wake up Sirius wake up Sirius” to get him out of bed.

As he dragged himself to the bathroom, only in his briefs, Sirius felt Remus’ eyes on him, and looked back abruptly, catching him. He diverted his gaze, flustered, and Sirius, almost unconsciously, smirked to himself as he turned around.

“A whole month with them under your tongues” Sirius commanded as he handed Peter and James the mandrake leaves “Not a complaining word”

The morning classes passed torturously slow, as they always did before a Quidditch game. But, what a game. James and Sirius were unstoppable, and scored so much that, even though Ravenclaw caught the snitch, they still lost. People were cheering like crazy, and Sirius felt like that was the best he had ever played.

“Black, Potter. Come hang with us.” David Hamblin, the team Keeper and a seventh year, invited them in the locker room.

After sharing a confirming glance between the two of them, James and Sirius, and followed him to the back of the fields. Besides them and Ashley Sanders, a girl from their year who blatantly flirted with Sirius, there were only seventh years. They told them about what they wanted to study once they were out of Hogwarts, dreams and fears, and talked about sex. Two of the girls were in a relationship. They were all cool with that.

At some point someone checked the time, and they were all late for dinner. When they arrived at the Great Hall, David told James that they could join them whenever they pleased, and they smiled brightly before joining Peter and Remus.

“I’ve never seen you play that good!” Remus exclaimed as soon as he saw Sirius.

He smiled and sat next to him, facing Peter and James.

“Your last goal?” Peter started “That was some pro shit Padfoot. Brilliant”

“After the third one, nothing could surprise me” Remus added “What was that? I couldn’t believe my eyes”

“And the passes though?” James hopped on the compliment-train “Half of my goals wouldn’t have been possible without him. The man was on fire”

“Right back at you, you basically scored my fifth goal” Sirius replied, grinning

“Hey, Black” Chloe Borough touched his shoulder “I was sitting there”

“I’m sorry” he shrugged, before turning back to his friends to discuss every detail of the game. Remus ignored Chloe, and she left the Great Hall.

After saying everything that could be said about the game they went to the common room, where James and Sirius were showered with compliments. The four of them sat in front of the fireplace, talking gibberish and laughing. When a strand of Sirius’ hair fell in front of his eyes, Remus tugged it behind his ear, and, even though he was blushing, Sirius managed to give him a cockish grin. All was good.

//

Sirius woke up in a great mood; it caused Peter to be kicked by a unicorn during Care of Magical Creatures, because he just couldn’t stop jumping around. He took him to the infirmary, so he was late to Ancient Runes. When he arrived, Chloe Borough was sitting next to Remus.

“Hi” he said, standing in from of them “That’s my place”

“I’m sorry” she shrugged, mimicking his behaviour from last night. Sirius looked at Remus, waiting for him to tell the blond bitch to move.

“Couldn’t you sit next to Thomas Jadwin?” Remus asked, carefully, moving his hair from his eyes, and Sirius stared at him, incredulous.

After spiritually throwing him the finger, Sirius made his way to the empty seat, head held high, and spent the whole class looking at them. Whenever he opened his mouth during this class Remus would tell him to shush it, yet she did not shut the fuck up for one second and he was putting up with it.

Sirius was fuming. He was going to drop out this subject. Pick up Arithmancy or some shit Remus wasn’t taking. And he wasn’t going to talk to him for the rest of the day. For the next three days. Full moon was tomorrow, and he couldn’t care less.

This was a sign of the universe that he didn’t have a chance, he reckoned. It was too much to be a coincidence, Remus ditching him only hours after he and James had traced a plan.

As soon as the class was dismissed, Sirius got the hell out of there. He saw Ashley Sanders in the hallway, and after an irresistible smile and a suggestive glance, she followed him into an empty cupboard and he kissed her sloppily, one hand on her waist and the other at the back of her thigh. As she started to kiss his neck, he couldn’t help but think about the goal that James missed yesterday. Had he been a little more to the left he could’ve caught the ball and scored it himself.

She made her way back to his mouth, definitely too much tongue, before loudly asking “What the fuck? Is that an herbology project, in your mouth?”

“Shit” he hissed, inhaling deeply “I’ll talk to you later, Ashley”

Annoyed and borderline furious, Sirius decided to miss Apparition and keep Peter company in the infirmary. He was fussy, and Peter was upset, so after a little bickering they just stood quiet, Sirius trying to charm the windows different colours, wand and wordlessly.

Remus and James found them mid-lunchtime.

“There you are!” James threw his arms in the air, before crashing in an empty bed “What happened?”

“He got kicked by a unicorn this morning” Sirius asked, bitterness in his undertone.

“Why didn’t you tell me nothing?” Remus asked, sharply, sitting across him, the window charmed orange casting pretty shadows on his face.

“You were busy”

“That’s why you didn’t come to Apparition?”

“We brought you food” James interrupted, saving him from confrontation.

They ate while Peter described the incident and the aftermath with the maximum detail possible, referring how rushed Sirius was to go to Ancient Runes, to his misfortune. Then, James told them how Remus had completely fucked their Pepperup Potion up because of his inability to do basic math, which cause Remus to push him and blame his two-second attention-span.

Peter, already feeling better, chose to skip Transfiguration to take a nap in the quiet, and now colourful, infirmary. His friends went to McGonagall’s class, where they practiced Revelio charms. Sirius got it right at the second try.

“Excellent Mr. Black!” McGonagall congratulated “10 points to Gryffindor. Just wonder the variety of things you could excel at with just a little effort”

He smiled at that backhanded compliment and kept showing off until everyone was annoyed. James joined him soon enough. Remus got it right as well but decided to help out a couple students who hadn’t; afterwards, while James and Sirius had Quidditch practice, he went to the infirmary to teach Peter, helping him out as he always did.

Practice was exhausting, and James and Sirius had two servings of dinner while they complained about their teammates, keeping on with their bitch-chat while they managed last-minute homework in the common, and throwing a few last petty remarks while they were getting ready for bed. Remus, who usually had his share of fun with his friends’ snide gossip, didn’t laugh, not once.

Euphoric and overthinking the whole hot and cold after Hogsmeade, Sirius struggled to fall asleep. He sensed that Remus was awake as well, which increased both his urge to pass out, in order to avoid alone time, and his restlessness, that kept him awake.

And then,

“Padfoot?” Remus asked, his voice crystal clear in the dark, silent dorm.

He thought about it for one, two, three seconds.

“What’s up, Moony?”

Knowing that Remus needed him somehow was all that he had to know, really.

“I’m feeling anxious”

“Want to stretch your legs? We can take James’ cloak”

“Not really” he paused “Can you- You think you could come here?”

Sirius got up and sat at the end of his bed, facing him.

“Want to play something?”

“Too tired” he shook his head “I wish I could fall asleep”

“What’s troubling you?”

Remus kept quiet for the longest, forcing an even breath.

“I don’t think I can keep doing this” a hiccup, his shoulders shaking “The transformations are getting more and more violent, the Shrieking Shack is growing smaller and I can’t, I can’t-”

Then he hid his face, shoulders shaking harder. Sirius thought about it during less than a second, before he got on his knees and wrapped his arms around Remus.

“I’m going to make it better for you, I promise” he whispered against his hair.

“Don’t- you can’t- don’t lie to-”

“Trust me” he said, but it came out like a question. Remus didn’t answer it anyway.

As the sobs alleviated, Sirius adjusted them to a more comfortable position, sitting with his legs open, Remus’ between them, with his head against his chest, his heart hammering against it.

“It’s just so unfair” Remus sniffed “And I’m so tired”

“It really is unfair. It sucks. Immensely”

“That’s not really comforting”

“You have to pay for comforting Sirius” Sirius ran his hand through Remus’ hair, and he half-smiled “Cheap-thrills Sirius just say whatever he feels”

“Cheap-thrills Sirius sounds like a bullshitter”

Sirius scoffed, “That’s part of life though. Awful things happen to good people all the time, everyone goes through some shit. Great things also happen to good people all the time, though. You are studying wizardry at the coolest school ever. You are able-bodied, and smart, and kind. You have friends that love you dearly. I know it doesn’t cancel the werewolf shit out, but I hope it, you know, balances it”

Remus half-smiled again, and Sirius hands got bold, wiping his tears, tracing his jaw, running through his hair, golden in the lamp light.

“Do you think something can be both awful and great?” Remus whispered softly, his eyes closed.

“I think it’s a good thing, we’re just dealing with it awfully” Sirius answered, and Remus scoffed, slightly smiling.

Sirius looked at Remus’ hand, folded on his knee, huge, slender fingers, dried, scarred skin, absolutely within reach. He breathed in, and slowly slid his fingers in the space between Remus’.

Remus opened his eyes, arching an eyebrow and biting back a smile, “Mean it now?”

“I also meant it on Tuesday” Sirius said, and Remus finally full-on smiled.

They stood put for a while, Sirius eyes on Remus, without having to be discreet, and Remus’ eyes on their joint hands. Sirius didn’t feel ashamed, or at conflict, didn’t think about what his family, or his Quidditch team, would think – everything felt right, and his thoughts were still.

“You have the prettiest hands” Remus whispered, licking his dry, pink lips, breathtakingly beautiful, dozing off to sleep.

Sirius smiled as he got away and tucked Remus in.

“Stay here” Remus mumbled, but Sirius thought it was two-steps ahead, and he didn’t want to move carelessly.

“I can’t, Thomas Jadwin is waiting for me in my bed”

Remus chuckled, “I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t easy for me though; she wouldn’t shut up”

“That’s what you get for ditching me”

“Then, I’ll never do it again”

“Then, I might sleep with you” he smiled, and after 3 seconds of indecisiveness Sirius kissed his forehead “Goodnight, Moony”


	3. Cocoon (Remus)

_“I cocoon ‘round your shoulders_  
_When you're half-cut and you're frozen_  
_And you've got that visible breathing”_

Almost a month had gone by since that forehead kiss (Remus could still feel Sirius lips on his skin if he focused really hard, which happened approximately twice a day) and not once did he ditch him again, but not once did he sleep with him. Things were good though – things were great. They were as, if not more, touchy than before Hogsmeade, with no awkwardness.

They held hands twice. The first time they were in the library, all alone, and Remus reached for Sirius’ hand. He grabbed his firmly and didn’t let go. The second time wasn’t that nice. They were having Ancient Runes and Sirius hand was resting on the table. Remus held it and immediately the guys behind them started making choking sounds and mimicking blowjobs. Remus didn’t really mind it, but he guessed Sirius did, since he quickly removed his hand.

It was Tuesday, and Sirius’ 17th birthday was in a few hours. Remus had bought him a ring during his summer holidays in Prague, so he’d have something nice to give him in this special occasion, but now he was worried about coming off too strong. Two days before, he had asked Peter if it was weird to give Sirius a ring for his birthday and he started laughing in his face, before assuring that it wasn’t, which only left him even more self-conscious. He didn’t want to imply anything, but he also didn’t want to keep the ring only because of that.

As he entered the dorm, hopeful that staring at the ring would give him some clarity about the whole situation, he heard Sirius’ muffled voice coming from the bathroom.

“It’s not that hard to spread it evenly, Prongs. I don’t want way more purple on the left”

“I’m trying my best. I’m sure there’s a spell if we look for it”

“And what will it teach us about resilience and overcoming challenges, coward?”

He opened the door slowly, only to have it slammed shut in his face.

“No!” they both shouted from the inside.

“Are you dyeing Padfoot’s hair? I want to see it!”

“Moony?” Sirius cried out.

“The groom must not see the wife before the ceremony!” James shouted at the same time.

“I chose the colour; I deserve to be present in the process” Remus replied through the door.

“Objection!” shouted James.

“It’s a surprise, baby” Sirius said at the same time.

“Alright” he breathed out, his heart on his throat. He used to find pet names ridiculous, but from that moment on he didn’t want Sirius to address him as anything but baby.

He looked for the ring inside his wardrobe and quickly decided that it was just too pretty to keep it, and that he could find a way to give it to Sirius casually. Guessing that Peter was still in the library, he went to find him, mumbling baby, baby, baby.

After helping Peter with his History homework, they met James and dyed-hair Sirius in the Great Hall for dinner.

Look – Remus knew that purple would suit him. But there was no way to anticipate that it would look that good. The violet waves fell graciously on his shoulders, and somehow it brought even more attention to his triumphant grin.

“I chose the right colour” Remus smiled, once he sat next to him.

“You sure did” he smiled back.

“Padfoot” James started “What do you think about sneaking out to Harlow tonight?”

“How would we do it?” Sirius asked, certain that his friends had elaborated a plan.

“There’s a golf camp nearby. We could ride our brooms there, and then the discos are within walking distance” Peter shared their plan.

“I’ve got alcohol” Remus said “and going-out shirts, my mother got us four”

“Yes, let’s go” Sirius nodded, delightful.

“Great!” James said, clapping excitedly “We will fetch our brooms right after, so nobody sees us leaving the common room”

Everything went according to the plan: after dinner they got out of Hogwarts without being caught and flew to Harlow’s golf camp. They chugged a whole bottle of Firewhiskey when they arrived, and a Currant Rum one on their way out of the golf camp, so they were already unable to walk in a straight line by the time they were heading to the disco clubs.

Sirius led the way to the bars, jumping around and laughing melodically, drawing the attention of basically everyone they passed through. When they entered the disco, it was already 2 minutes to midnight, which meant immediate cheap muggle shots, tight hugs and drunken birthday wishes over the music blasting on speakers.

Remus couldn’t take his eyes off Sirius throughout the night. His purple highlights and contagious smile seemed brighter under the neon lights, and the outlines of his shoulders, chest and abdomen, visible thanks to his slightly see-through shirt, must have been drawn by a divine entity. The movement of his head and hips, in tune with the rhythm of the songs playing, was hypnotizing, and every second of eye contact pushed Remus closer to the edge.

As the hours went by and they went from bar to bar, drinking increasingly stronger booze, visions of closeness and touching were becoming more and more tempting. Remus could see himself crossing the space between them, holding his hand, pulling him closer and kissing the space between his eyebrows, then his nose, then his lips. Or coming from behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and kiss his neck. And bite it. And claim him.

He knew he couldn’t. But he wondered how Sirius would react.

A girl asked Sirius for a lighter and he asked Remus, since he was keeping one, to hand it to him. The time it took him to reach his pocket and find it was enough for her to make a move: when Remus looked up, she had her arms around Sirius’ shoulders and was fiercely kissing him.

It was like the room became too small, and the lights too bright, and the alcohol too much, and the music too loud.

“I need to get some air” Remus told Peter, who looked at him, then at Sirius and the girl, and finally back at him.

“Want me to go with you?”

“Please don’t”

Remus got out of the bar and sat on the cold sidewalk, trying to think about something that wasn’t Sirius and failing miserably. His mind was a mess and it all came to him at the same time: Sirius shining under bright green lights, Sirius grinning whenever he entered the common room, Sirius with his hair up holding my hand at the library, Sirius almost asleep on his lap, Sirius at the dinner table happily exhausted after practice, Sirius kissing a girl he just met, Sirius kissing a hand full of girls throughout the years, Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.

Remus stood up to be sick a few feet ahead, feeling pathetic for having such feelings, ridiculous for believing they could be reciprocated and miserable for handling it so poorly: well, look at him, throwing up in the middle of the street, alone and at the verge of tears.

He made his way back to the sidewalk and sat down, taking deep breaths and trying to come up with a solution. As he turned around to ask someone for a cigarette, hoping that it would help him steady his breath, he saw Sirius stepping outside the bar.

“Moony!” he shouted, unbelievably drunk, rushing towards Remus “Are you okay?”

“Aren’t you busy?” he scoffed, looking away.

“No” Sirius said, clumsily sitting on his lap with his legs open and bringing his mouth to Remus’ ear “She’s whatever. I want you”

Just like that, all the hurtful sensations were gone, and Remus was hard.

“I want you so bad” Sirius kept going, pressing his hips down “And I can feel that you want me too”

Instead of the overlapping of frames of Sirius that had previously ran through Remus’ brain, now he was totally focused on what was right in front of him. Sirius’ enormous eyelashes, his grey eyes scattering every inch of his face, his prominent chin, his lips pink and swollen. 

“Does that make me a fag?” he asked, not so confident, and Remus let out a sad laugh.

“It doesn’t change who you are, it's not a bad thing” Remus answered, echoing his mother’s words when he had told her.

Sirius’ expression softened up. He drew closer but stopped mere millimeters from Remus’ face, as if daring him to go on. They stood there for a little while, eyes locked, breathing each other’s breath.

Remus could do it. He wanted to, hold drunk-off-his-ass, girly-perfume-scented, worried-about-being-a-fag Sirius and kiss his pretty face. He could do it again the next morning, or blame it on the alcohol and the cold outside if warm, sober, confident, chocolate-scented Sirius didn't want him no more. 

He licked his lips and tilted his head, but Peter and James interrupted them before he had the chance.

“There you are!” James cried and Sirius immediately got up, tripping on his own feet “You can’t really handle your liquor, can you, birthday boy?”

“We should go back” Peter stated and looked over at me “Are you alright, Moony?”

Remus half-shrugged, and no one raised questions.


	4. Fallout (Sirius)

_“I’m sorry if I drove your matches to my clothes_  
_But you know how I can get sometimes”_

They were having dinner and Sirius was sitting next to Remus while simultaneously ignoring him. It had been three days since his birthday party, and between overstaying in the Quidditch field after practice and steering clear of the library, he had managed to avoid confronting him. They sat together in Ancient Runes without exchanging a word, and Remus didn’t spend more than the strictly necessary time in the dormitory, so Sirius guessed it was a mutual agreement.

It felt weird, but Sirius sincerely didn’t know how to approach Remus after being severely rejected. He was sure he would love to talk it out, but there was only a maximum amount of humiliation Sirius could take. He knew his best shot was at assuming he had read it all wrong and pretending it hadn’t happened, and he would, as soon as he got over it. A good first step would be to stop getting off while thinking of Remus hard beneath him, with his lips parted and hair messy and eyes glistening – he made a mental note of that. Then, he would just have to deal with the vivid fantasies of romantic reciprocation.

“Padfoot” James called him “Filch is here”

Sirius nodded and got out of the dinner table, heading to the dorm. Tomorrow would be the lunar eclipse and they still needed the death’s-head hawk moth chrysalises for the Animagus potion; they had looked for it everywhere without any luck, so they really hoped that Filch would have it in his office.

Sirius grabbed the map but didn’t find James’ cloak. As he couldn’t afford to lose time, he took the chance and went without it, silently asking the universe for some good fortune. He made it to Filch’s office without any surprises and started to look through his stuff, putting it exactly where it was right after, so there wouldn’t be any evidence of my presence, while checking the map every minute.

He found the chrysalises almost 20 minutes after, inside a petri dish that was hidden under some envelopes, in his secretary’s third drawer. He put them in his pocket and kept lurking, until he noticed Filch’s names on the map, getting to his office. Sirius quickly got out and walked fast through the corridor, ready to turn left since Filch was coming from my right - until he saw Remus Lupin written a few centimetres left from Sirius Black.

He took a deep breath, cursing James out for being such a disorganized little bitch and forgetting his cloak Merlin-knows-where. Suddenly, encountering Filch didn’t seem so bad.

He slowly turned left and found Remus, gorgeously elegant despite his terrible posture, standing in the middle of the corridor, staring at pictures of old students on the walls. He had mentioned once that it gave him a funny sensation, looking at unknown faces that had spent their adolescence walking these well-known corridors. Sirius knew it was the only record he had of his father’s face.

“Hello” he said softly, and Remus looked at him, his expression unreadable “Coming to the common?”

“Go ahead” he said, sharp and cold.

Sirius nodded, uncomfortably, and passed through Remus, before turning back.

“I’m sorry”

“What for?”

Sirius twisted his fingers, looking down. For the unrequited advance?

“Everything, I guess”

Remus looked dissatisfied, and impatient.

“Can you be more specific?”

“Moony, please”

“Padfoot, please” he echoed, mockingly “I really want to know. Are you sorry for your birthday? Or for the days that followed?”

Sirius exhaled. What was he doing? He had been the one to reject him, what was he expecting?

“Because you don’t know what you want” Remus kept going, growing angrier with every word “and that leaves me not knowing what to think, what to feel, what to do, shit, how to do it, how to act, how to breath-”

“Why didn’t you kiss me?”

“That’s not the point” he said, voice strained.

“But it is, though”

“Would it have been any different?”

“Yes”

“How? Would you have held my hand during Ancient Runes? Careful, Mark Jackman could have called you a fag”

Sirius’ head snapped and he looked into his eyes; at first, they were resentful, but quickly became worried. Sirius knew that Remus regretted what he had said, and he waited for him to apologize, but he didn’t, so Sirius pushed him aside and went straight to the dorm.

“Pads, how did it go? You got ‘em?” Peter asked when Sirius stormed into the dorm.

“Jesus, what happened?” James inquired, sitting straight “Did Filch caught you?”

“No, no. Everything’s fine” Sirius clarified, taking the chrysalises out of his pocket and hiding them in his wardrobe.

“So, what’s the matter?” Peter insisted.

Sirius opened his mouth, but no sound came out. How could he explain to them that he was crazy about their best friend and that maybe he was too, but maybe he wasn’t? Well, in a two-minute span he managed to tell him that he didn’t know how to breath because he was giving off mixed signs and call him the F slur.

“Is it about Moony?” James tilted his head and Sirius nodded “Would a hug help?”

He nodded again and he hugged him tightly, followed by Peter.

They collapsed in Sirius’ bed and James and Peter gave him space to share something, but he stood quiet, so they started telling him all about the two Ravenclaw girls who got into a heated argument over a guy during Divination class, attempting to get his head off the light brown-haired boy who was wandering Merlin-knows-where.

It distracted Sirius for a while, but it mostly tired him out, so when James suggested that they went to sleep, he gladly agreed. No sooner had Peter turned the light off, Remus came into the dormitory.

“’Night Peter. James.”

Sirius clenched his teeth. Too sad to be angry and too tired to pick up a fight, he gripped his pillow tightly and forced himself to fall asleep. Tomorrow would be better.

//

It started out as a regular morning, until an owl dropped a black envelope on his plate during breakfast.

“Late birthday wishes!” Sirius forced a chuckle and James, Remus and Peter quietly stared at him while he ripped it.

_Sirius,_  
_I hope this letter finds you well. As you are now seventeen, there are no legal obligations tying us together anymore. At last, you are no longer associated with the Black family._  
_\- Orion Black_

“Guess I won’t be home for Christmas” he tried to joke but his voice failed, betraying him. They were all looking at him pitifully, and he knew that he would start crying if he didn’t get out of there.

The rest of the day was a blur. He didn’t hear a word from any of the classes, avoided his friends during the breaks, and messed up terribly during practice. He had memorized the short letter and his father’s voice played repeatedly in his head, throughout the whole day.

_Finds you well._

_Legal obligations._

_At last._

Aiming for some inner silence, he fetched the remains of the gillyweed and hid under the Quidditch field’s benches while everyone was having dinner. Unfortunately, the immediate Sirius felt upon the first drags didn’t last long: he vividly remembered the last time he smoked, holding Remus’ hand, and the time before that, during the summer at the Potters’, laughing stupid with James. It felt like those memories didn’t really belong to him.

On his way back to the castle he felt more dizzy and lonely than relaxed, his father’s voice seemingly amplified. And then, he bumped into Severus Snape, because it was just his luck.

“Watch your step, Black! Now, wait a minute” a wicked, satisfied smile growing in the corner of his mouth in a way that made Sirius shiver “can I even call you Black anymore?”

Sirius knew immediately Regulus had told him, and it made his stomach turn.

“You can keep my name out of your mouth, that’s what you can do” Sirius kept walking, but Snape moved to block his way.

“When he first told me, I didn’t believe him. The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black wouldn’t do something so vile to their own, right? But then,” Snape was grinning, towering over Sirius, looking into his eyes “I realized I would do the same. If my son was, you know” an eyeroll, a condescending wave of his pale hand “a pillow-bitter”

“I’m not-”

“Rumour has it” Snape interrupted him “that you begged Lupin to suck him off and he laughed in your face”

“It didn’t happen” Sirius forced his way through, jaw and knuckles clenched. There were a lot of rumours about him going around, not all of them heterosexual, he didn’t care, he didn’t care at all.

“I wasn’t properly expecting a confession” Snape scoffed “I mean, being dumped by a royal pureblood family is comprehensible. But being rejected by a lumpy freak? That’s just pathetic”

Blood boiling as it did every time anyone called Remus a freak, and heart tightening at the mention of rejection, Sirius turned around and viciously pushed Snape, who tumbled down on the floor.

“Ah-oh” he forced a smile, although he was flinching “who would have guessed that your werewolf boyfriend was the boiling point?”

Sirius’ eyes widened, and he looked away, but he had already given it away. James would have managed to divert the conversation, he thought. Boyfriend, he also thought.

“Oh. Ah! Ah-oh. Oh my-” Snape got up, disturbingly excited “I was keeping track of the full moons, but I thought that it would be too freakish and monstrous, even for Remus Freaky Monster Lupin. Lily agreed. Black, is he really a werewolf?”

“Why don’t you go to the Shrieking Shack tonight and see for yourself?”

As Severus Snape grinned and ran up the stairs, Sirius knew he had utterly and completely fucked up. He managed his way to the dorm without fainting, or crying, or getting sick.

“Mates, I told Snape” he burst out as soon as he entered the dorm, James and Peter looking up at him “About Moony, about the Shack”

“What the fuck?” James jumped “Are you fucking with us?”

“I wish I was” he said, tears blurring his vision.

“Why would you do that?” Peter asked, shocked.

“I’m so sorry-”

“Are you mental?” James screamed at him “What the fuck?”

“I panicked, I don’t know, I’m so sorry” a sob, and tears running.

“I can’t believe it” James grabbed the cloak “Stay here. Make the fucking potion. Wormtail and I are going to clean up the mess you made. Fucking idiot”

He cried harder and James pushed him into a hug.

“We’re going to talk about it once we’re back. It’s fucked up, but it will be alright, Padfoot”  
They hurried out the dorm and Sirius sobbed uncontrollably, head buried between his knees.

His family was right all along, he was selfish, from his hair to the tip of his toes, couldn’t be trusted, couldn’t be counted on for nothing. He had been kicked out of Grimmauld Place and he was certainly going to be kicked out of Hogwarts – the castle was no place for someone like him, really.

Worse than selfish, a coward. A disgrace to his house, a disgrace to his friends. If he couldn’t be loyal to Remus – who he adored, ultimately – could he be loyal to anything at all? If he couldn’t face Snape, would he be ready for war?

No altruism, no loyalty, no bravery. He didn’t deserve what he had, and even thought he was aware of it, he still wanted to keep everything. On his knees, murmuring the words ‘Moony-forgive-me” until they were incomprehensible, to shut self-pity and self-hatred down, was the closest he had ever gotten, and would ever get, to praying.

“Merlin, Sirius, you haven’t moved since we left?” he heard Peter’s voice.

“We told you to make the fucking potion” James stated “Tonight is our only shot”

They knelt beside him. Peter carefully moved my hair out of his face and James took the mandrake leave out of his mouth.

“Where are the chrysalises?” James asked softly.

“Third drawer” he managed to say. James got up to get them and Peter grabbed Sirius and helped him to bed.

Sirius heard them making the potion without moving. It was a bittersweet feeling to know that they would do great without him.

When James and Peter were finished, they sat at the end of Sirius’ bed.

“What the fuck, Padfoot?” James asked quietly.

Tears already dry, sorrow crystalized in time, Sirius told them about his parents disowning him, and Regulus boasting it, and Remus declining a kiss, and Snape throwing it all in his face. How he momentarily wanted to hurt them both but regretted what he had said as soon as he said it. They listened attentively.

“I’m really sorry about your family, Padfoot” James started, a comforting hand on his ankle “I hope you know you’re a part of mine, and you’re always welcome”

“Moony won’t be mad at you forever” Peter picked up “It might take some time for him to get over this one, but you know how he forgives everything”

Sirius shrugged. It seemed beyond forgiveness. Exhausted, he fell asleep as soon as his head crashed on the pillow. Undeserved oblivion before the sentence.

First thing in the morning, they were all in the infirmary. Sirius’ felt his legs loosening strength when he saw him.

Remus always looked devastated after a full moon, but at that time he was literally torn apart. His bare chest and arms covered with bandages, ugly bruising on his neck and face, his jaw sewed. Sirius leaned over to kiss an unscathed spot in his temple.

“Padfoot?” Remus yawned, tenderly looking at him beneath layers of tiredness. Sirius held his hand as if everything was alright, and he let him. Oh, how he wanted to stay in that moment forever.

“Last night was terrible” Remus tried to sit and winced because of the pain “I think I hallucinated, maybe because of the eclipse? But I saw you guys, and, you won’t believe it – Snape. The wolf went crazy – I guess that bit was real”

Sirius wondered if he could make a deal with James and Peter and pretend it was all a hallucination. He gripped Remus’ hand tighter.

“I’m sorry” Sirius managed, a knot on his throat. Something in Remus’ expression shifted, an eyebrow twitch at Sirius’ strained voice.

“It happened” James ripped the band-aid “Snivellus found out about-”

“What?”

“It was my fault”

Remus pulled his hand brusquely, looking down, avoiding Sirius’ eyes.

“I’m really, really sorry-”

“You told him? To get revenge?”

“No, of course not, I didn’t think it through, he was pissing me off-”

“And you figured you could send him to the slaughterhouse. Get rid of me with it, two birds one stone”

His face was mostly hidden, but the disdain in his tone, so out-of-character, was notorious. Sirius heart shattered, beating like it was trying to get out of his chest.

“No, I- Moony, come on, you’re not- I’m truly fucking-”

“I could have-”

“But you didn’t” James intervened “He’s fine”

“He’s going to tell-”

“He’s not” James kept going, a hand on Sirius’ shoulder to keep it from shaking “I made sure of that”

“Get out” he hissed at Sirius, still not looking at him “You promised”

Sirius was going to hold up to that promise, he vowed to himself.

“Moony, I’m sorry-”

“Get the fuck out” he said slowly, voice hoarse “before I hex the shit out of-” he sobbed.

Sirius wanted to insist, to apologize a million times and tell him he would do anything, anything to make it right, he wanted to lay down next to him and kiss him until it didn’t hurt anymore.

But he didn’t deserve to do it, to kiss Remus, or touch him, or talk to him, not even look at him. He didn’t deserve forgiveness, so he walked away.


	5. Pacifier (Remus)

_“But babe, you know I've tried and failed_  
_But you, just don't know how it feels to lose_  
_Something you never had and never will”_

It had been twenty-seven days since the fallout.

At first, Remus was angry. How could Sirius do that to him? Give away his biggest secret and then hold his hand the morning after? Did their friendship mean so little to him that he could throw it away just for giggles? Or did he actually care about Remus and betrayed him, nevertheless? He didn’t know which was worse.

He couldn’t take his mind off it, which meant he was permanently running out of breath and itching everywhere. He also couldn’t concentrate during classes nor hold a normal conversation with anyone – inter alia, ordinary things people would say would just seem extremely unreasonable and obnoxious. He wanted to tell everyone to shut up and he wanted to hurt Sirius; he had the nerve to sit next to Remus in Ancient Runes and he wondered what would happen if he just looked him in his eyes and punched him.

Anger didn’t last long though. Sirius’ actions had no real consequences: Snape was too scared, either by the sight of the werewolf or by James’ threats, to say anything to anyone. He was actually avoiding them. And Sirius was just plain pitiful: Remus could feel him awake at night and the bags under his eyes proved he wasn’t sleeping at all; he was barely eating as well, and talking way less than usual. Besides, James told Remus that his family had disowned him. So, worry took over anger. He hated watching Sirius hating himself. He wondered what would happen if he just looked him in his eyes and kissed him.

Then, after three weeks of misery, Sirius started to get better. He came up with a prank that left all the stairs extremely slippery – Remus had no idea how he had done it, and neither did McGonagall, who took two days to come up with an effective solution. Until then, people were falling down over and over – even walking extremely slowly and carefully didn’t prevent them from slipping. Whenever someone would have an extraordinarily hilarious tumble, Sirius would laugh – it didn’t reach his eyes, but at least there was a sign of life.

Along with smiling, even though it wasn’t absolutely carefree, came snoring, and having full meals, and staring at Remus long enough for him to stare back. Honestly, Remus missed him terribly. He missed being asked if he had had any funny dreams first thing in the morning; being given Sirius’ half-eaten muffins at breakfast, because back in second year a whole muffin was too big for any of them and they just got used to sharing. He missed Sirius’ loud laughter whenever he said something remotely funny, his glances during classes, just to smile when their eyes met. He missed sitting close to him in the common room, and he missed being handed chocolate before bed if Sirius sensed that he had had a rough day.

“Aren’t our herbology projects outside the greenhouse?” Remus asked Peter, who was nose-deep in his homework, totally unfazed by the thundering and the chattering in the library “They are going to be totally destroyed”

Peter quickly looked up and stared outside the window, while a lightning bolt struck, and his eyes widened.

“Oh my God. Moony, I’ve got to go. See you later” he stood up and ran out of the library, leaving all his things spread on the table.

Remus dismissed it as weird behavior, relatively normal in their standards, and kept doing his homework, until Lily Evans interrupted him.

“Are you studying Alchemy?”

“I am”

“I could use a hand, if you don’t mind”

“Of course” he nodded, smiling at her.

He helped her out and Lily quickly got the hang of it, solving the questions quicker than him.

“You wouldn’t need a hand if you paid a little less attention to James during classes” he said playfully, and she buried her face on her hands, hiding a smile.

“Maybe” she sighed “He’s really worried about Sirius, though”

“We all are”

Lily stared at him with an unsteady expression, as if she was biting her words back and waiting for him to say something more. He didn’t.

“Look, I can’t speak on Sirius behalf, mainly because I find him rather hard to read” she said hesitantly, not wanting to overstep any boundaries “But I know how you feel about him. So, whatever’s holding you back – let it go”

“I can’t come crawling back to him whenever he fucks up” he replied quietly what he had been saying to himself for the past weeks.

“What’s the use of your love if you’re only there for him when he deserves it?”

He took a deep breath. Over the years, insecurities and paranoia had converged in a few moments where he thought Sirius would get tired of him, annoyed by all his little weird ways and fuckups, but Sirius was there every time, comprehensive and loving.

He had never fucked up to that extent, sure, but shouldn’t the grounds of their friendship remain the same? Above anything, he missed him, and he liked the way Lily said the word love.

He looked at her in silent surrender and her expression softened up. They pretended to go back to Alchemy but gave up soon enough and went to the Great Hall a little before dinnertime. Sirius, Peter and James arrived late, smiles plastered across their flustered faces.

“Moony, moony, moony” James chanted “We’ve got a surprise for you”

“You won’t believe it” Peter highlighted, and Sirius tilted his head, smiling brighter than Remus remembered he could.

They had dinner in a rush and then proceeded to drag Remus to the Shrieking Shack, the four of them squeezed underneath the invisibility cloak, James giggling nonstop. Once they got there, they all stood in line, in front of Remus.

“What’s happening?” Remus asked, confused and amused in equal parts “Are we doing a virgin-sacrifice? Am I the virgin?”

“Remember every time we told you we’re going to find a way to ease your transformations?” Peter smiled.

“Those weren’t empty promises” Sirius said gravely, his voice echoing in the shack as he nervously waved his wand towards himself. Remus watched his bone structure change under his skin, his nose and mouth turn into a muzzle, hair grow all over him; in a matter of five seconds he was a big black dog, standing in his fours and staring at Remus. Next to him, James was a stag, and a mouse came running from under Peter’s robes.

Remus opened his mouth in awe. Animagi. He remembered James and Sirius got really excited when they heard about it, but he had never thought they would go this far. For him. Extremely advanced, dangerous, illegal, magic. Just to keep him company, because they could, because they wanted to help.

“Mates” he waved his hand when his friends turned back, too overwhelmed for his emotional tone to go unnoticed “You’re batshit crazy, you know that?”

They all laughed gleefully. James rushed into a hug and Peter followed him. Sirius stood back, watching.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you” Remus chuckled as he wrapped his arms around them.

“It’s nothing, really” James reassured.

“It’s everything, Prongs. Prongs! And you’re a stag!” the both of them erupted in laughter, hugging each other tightly “Wormtail, you rat!”

Then, his eyes met Sirius’ and the bubble of hysteria seemed to move further up his throat. He lowered his head to James’ ear.

“Think you could both leave?”

“Hell yes” he giggled and dragged Peter out of there.

Remus’ eyes followed them until they close the Shack’s door and then he looked up at Sirius, blatantly, for what felt like the first time in a long time; he was already staring.

“You could have joined the hug, you know”

“Didn’t know if you wanted me to” he confessed, breaking eye contact to fix the sleeves of his shirt.

They stood in silence as Remus regretted asking Peter and James to leave, since he didn’t have a plan and had no idea where to start. He had questions.

Would you forgive me if I was in your shoes?

What would you do differently if you could turn go in time?

Do you like me or do you like-like me?

Do you even miss me?

But in all honesty, he didn’t know if he wanted the answers. He just wished to magically be on good terms with Sirius.

“Do you think I can hug you now, then?” he asked nervously, and Remus nodded.

Sirius crossed the space between them in two split seconds, desperately throwing himself at Remus’ neck. He held him tightly, pressing his head against his and feeling a month worth of tension leaving his body.

“I’m sorry, Moony” he whispered, his mouth millimeters from Remus’ ear, his breath warm in the freezing night.

“It’s okay”

Sirius held tighter before letting go, tender fingers sliding up and down Remus’ forearms, flustered face standing a mere palm from his.

“I want to tell you exactly what I’m sorry for. If you’re willing to listen”

Remus deeply inhaled and he kept going.

“I’m sorry for being angry. At you, at myself, at my family, at Snape. And I’m sorry it all came crumbling down on you. You trusted me with, with your life, and I’m sorry for betraying that trust”

“I forgive you” it felt that easy.

He lowered his hands to Remus’ hands, holding them and tracing circles with his tender, tender fingers.

“And I’m sorry for being scared” he kept going, a purple string hair falling down in front of his eyes “Of this, of what I feel for you, of myself. I was just- I don’t know, too determined on not being what my parents accused me of, and I know it’s not a good excuse, but Quidditch and kissing girls got me convinced for a while as well”

Remus chuckled. What I feel for you. He had been waiting for this for as long as he could remember.

“Even though we’ve been heading towards this for a while now” he kept going, looking down “And I’ve tried to push it down, to trick myself, to rationalize it, I’ve even thought that if allowed myself somethings the yearning would tone down, I don’t know. But then, when I realized that I had just lost something that I never quite had, not in the way that I wanted, or could’ve had, you know what I mean, and maybe would never had, uh, it made me realize that I was prioritizing the wrong shit, lesser feelings”

Remus got closer, moving his hand to Sirius shoulder. He looked up.

“Moony, mate, the prospect of losing you was scarier than fear itself” as soon as the words left Sirius lips, Remus pressed his against them. It was simultaneously an impulsive strike of courage and recklessness and the most calculated and anticipated move in his life.

As he back down, the both of them smiled at each other, stupid, smitten grins.

“Can you do it again?” Sirius asked gently, moving his hand up, tender, tender, tender fingers stroking Remus’ cheek.

“It’s your turn now”

A thousand times had Remus dreamt about being kissed by Sirius; a thousand more and he still wouldn’t be ready for the actual overwhelming feeling of having his full, slight chapped, dark pink lips interlocked with his. It was earth shattering and he knew that, from that moment on, he wouldn’t be able survive without it.

There was passion. Months of pent up attraction erupting from their mouths, the desire to show each other how much they really wanted it flowing through their moving and exploring hands.

There was trust. The vulnerability of putting it out there, saying I-like-you-do-what-you-please-with-it, and the faith in believing that the other person would treasure and reciprocate the feeling.

And, for the first time, there was commitment. Recognizing that their friendship was assuming a new form, uncharted territory for both of them, and that they were equally responsible of shaping and testing out all the different ways they could merge into each other

Sirius pulled away, gasping for air, and pressed his forehead against his friends’.

“Remus” he exhaled, as if he was the only thing that ever mattered.


	6. Hourglass (Sirius)

_“Chest infect me_

_Waste my days”_

Sirius woke up with the weight of a body next to his. It was Tuesday, probably already mid-afternoon hours, the day after their first full moon as Animagis.

It had been incredible; they had spent the whole night messing around in the Forbidden Forest. He and James had played hide and seek with Peter while Remus ran laps, probably freer than he had ever been, no evidence of bloodthirst or any aggressive inclinations. He and Sirius play-fought for a while – even thought it was impossible, Sirius felt somehow recognized, the eye contact felt somehow warm, as it is when they are human.

Remus went to the infirmary as he always did, and Madame Sargeaunt congratulated him on the lack of scratches and bruises. “It’s getting better”, she had said. She kept him there for the day, for precaution. Until that point, apparently.

“Morning, baby” Sirius said, traces of sleep in his voice “how are you feeling?”

“Good” Remus smiled, his eyes closed, and his arm bent, pillowing his head “last night was amazing”

“It was”

“Thank you”

“No need to”

“It’s okay if you can’t do it when you have classes in the next morning, I understand-”

“We’ll manage”

On the last morning-after-full-moon, Sirius had seen his friend torn apart, and he had stared at him with hurt, furious eyes; on that morning, he looked safe and well rested and was smiling warmly. Sirius could feel the taste of his sheer luck beneath his tongue.

“Alright” Remus smiled, and Sirius mirrored it, before touching the tip of a scar at the crook of his elbow.

“Do they still hurt?”

“They don’t”

He gently ran his finger up the scar until he reached the sleeve of Remus’ t-shirt. Remus grabbed it at the back of his neck and leaned over to take it off. As he leaned back again, Sirius traced the scar from his upper arm to his naked collarbone.

“I used to hate them, but I guess that I’m used to them now” Remus explained “Counseling with McGonagall helped”

Sirius nodded, as he traced a scar from the middle of his chest to his left ribs. He rarely spoke about his bi-weekly sessions with her – they just knew it was some kind of therapy. She tried to do the same with Sirius, because of his family, but he refused. Not sure if it was more shame or secrecy, but there were some things he couldn’t bring himself to talk about. Moreover, he believed it hadn’t messed him up as much as lycanthropy would.

“She taught me that despising the wolf should not equate to hating myself. As if I’m more than my condition” he kept going “You guys made it easier to believe that”

“It isn’t even debatable”

Right under his ribs he had three tiny deep scars, as if his claws had sunk to his stomach. Although Sirius was unsure, he planted his lips there. He looked up to check if it was okay and Remus smiled, so he did it again.

“She also gave me some clues to deal with my anxiety the days before. For instance, focus on elaborating a prank or learning some tricky spell, something that would keep my mind occupied and give me some sort of satisfaction. And if I started to panic, I would count all the red things I could find; I always looked for your hair tie” he smiled as he glanced at the hair tie, currently holding Sirius’ hair up in a bun.

Sirius ran his fingers over a scar that went from Remus’ hip to under his bellybutton and started to twist and curl the little hairs there. Even though this was prime-sexual-territory, it didn’t feel provocative at all, like it was building up to something else. It was just feeling his skin and wanting nothing more. Feeling completely at ease.

“Talking with you always helps” Remus kept going “Your presence is soothing, I guess. I definitely feel less anxious, but maybe a little more, uh, hormonal”

Sirius chuckled. Sunday, the day before the full moon, Remus had come into the locker room after the Quidditch game and talked to James until everyone got out. After their friend left, he had pinned Sirius against the wall, asked if he was aware of how fucking hot he looked on a broom, and kissed him breathless.

“I can live with that”

Sirius kept tracing the scars on his torso, and he charmed his book so it would float to him. After a little while, Sirius noticed that he wasn’t turning the pages.

“I hate when you do that” he said quietly, leaving a kiss on Remus’ tummy.

“Do what?”

“Pretend you’re reading when you clearly are not. Especially when we are all in the common room. I can’t like, talk directly to you, or make a little side joke, but I am hyper aware you’re listening. It stresses me out”

He scoffed and closed the book, resting his hand on Sirius’ back and starting to trace circles. Sirius mimicked the movement on his waist.

“Tell me something else you don’t like about me” Remus pleaded, and Sirius looked up, eyebrows raised, but he nodded reassuringly.

“Your wish is my command” he cracked his neck “I don’t like it when I walk into a room, and you know it, but you don’t look at me. Everyone stares, so what are you trying to gain there? I notice you looking at me when you think I don’t”

“Everyone stares” he mocked.

“Are you saying they don’t?”

“They do” he replied, after pretending to give it some thought.

Sirius turned on his side, propping himself up with his elbow, his hand still on Remus’ waist.

“It’s your turn now”

“I don’t like how utterly competitive you are” he said without skipping a beat “See, if Gryffindor is losing a match, you’re rude to your teammates, and unbearable for the next week. And winning is not quite the same if you didn’t score any goals”

“Wow, so I make remarks about you not giving me enough attention and you go for destruction?”

“It needs to be addressed, Padfoot” he laughed “Like, giving up Potions even though you are great, just because you are not the best? Dumb move”

“I will make a note of that” Sirius joked while his hand traveled up a scar Remus had on the right side of his body, from his abdomen to his armpit “You, on the other hand, demand everyone to be as good as you”

“You tell me”

“You get so frustrated when the class doesn’t have the same learning pace that you do, it’s ridiculous. Remus oh-so-polite Lupin, until a colleague of his makes a stupid question or repeats an easily avoidable mistake and there you have him, rolling his eyes and impatiently biting his nails”

“That’s not true!” he opened his mouth and shock and stopped the caressing “I always help when someone doesn’t understand something!”

“Because you can’t stand the fact that they don’t”

“You’re being unfair!” he pouted, which made Sirius laugh, and lean in to kiss him softly.

“Not being able to take criticism could be another thing I don’t like about you, but you just look too damn adorable”

“Oh, because you’re one to talk”

Sirius smiled and rested his head on Remus chest. As some kind of defense mechanism, he had learnt to diminish any criticism, an only I can tell the truth to me and fuck all else mindset – had to do so, growing up where he did.

Then came Quidditch. And criticism he couldn’t ignore. Criticism coming from his teammates, criticism that ought to make him a better player. So, he started to listen to criticism from his teachers, and became a better student. And criticism from James, once or twice, which ended up solidifying their friendship.

And there he was now, being criticized and simultaneously held by his favorite person. Feeling known, feeling loved.

“I don’t like how often you lie” Sirius confessed “sometimes is not even necessary, seems like you just lie for the sake of lying. I wonder how many lies you’ve told me”

“A few, yeah. I promise complete honesty from now on”

“Good”

“I didn’t kiss Natalie Dunne last year, for starters. I let everyone assume I did because I guess I was feeling left behind, you know, being 16 and oh-so-virgin. So, my first kiss was Friday”

“I could tell” Sirius joked, secretly relieved.

“Is that a complaint?”

Sirius adjusted to face him, slightly on top, and kissed him, deeper this time. He could feel his heart pounding on his chest, in harmony with his own heartbeat.

“I don’t like” Remus said against Sirius’ mouth “how you talk about girls you previously kissed. With a certain disdain. Like you were doing them a favor”

Sirius breathed in. They were, in fact, indifferent to him after he’d kissed them. Would Remus rather see him head over heels?

“Friday was my first time as well, you know” he rubbed his nose against his friend’s “kissing someone I liked”

“You’re a tease” he smiled, kissing his neck “I also don’t like how much clothes you’re still wearing”

They both took Sirius’ t-shirt off and switched positions, so Remus was on top, leaving trails of kisses on Sirius’ body, chest infecting him until his lips were numb.

Then, he laid his head on my Sirius’ bare chest, heartbeat thundering against his hear, legs tangled as Sirius traced the scars of his back. He stood there in his arms, crystalized, wasting his day until Sirius was late for Quidditch.


	7. Business (Remus)

_“All I wanna know is just_  
_how far you wanna go”_

Hand. Holding.

Look, Remus loved kissing, which was new and thrilling (he suspected it was Sirius’ favorite part, since he was always dragging him to empty classrooms and hidden passages), he loved abrupt compliments, he loved staring without trying to be discreet and he loved how Sirius curled against him when they were hanging in the common room.

But holding hands was just something else, safe and lovely. Sirius hand fit perfectly in his and he often caressed his thumb with his own in the sweetest way possible (Remus nearly cried once, during a Slytherin vs Ravenclaw Quidditch game). And it was no longer a pre-meditated and carefully thought out move: he held his hand whenever he wanted and sometimes his fingers found his own before he reached out, almost instinctively.

“So” Sirius arched his eyebrow at him, after a library study session full of over-the-table-hand-holding “up to take this siamese-by-hand stunt to the hallway level?”

Remus smiled – they weren’t keeping it secret, but strolling down the corridors holding hands was a step ahead.

Or ten steps ahead, he would figure out. It seemed like everybody was staring at them – of course they were, it was Sirius Black’s hand he was holding, of course they were – and Remus breath started to get heavier, as well as his limbs. He tried to act like Sirius, head held high and feet moving to the rhythm of a song playing inside his mind, blocking all the turning necks and burning eyes and whispered interrogations and muffled laughs, but he couldn’t help it.

Sirius looked at him quizzically, and slowly dropped his sweating hand, giving him a quick, sad smile. Things went back to normal when they turned left, heading to the Great Hall, hands in their respective pockets, totally unnoticed.

Remus vividly remembered being thirteen, running across these corridors with Sirius, not really understanding the urge to hold his hand but fantasizing about it anyway. And there he was, three years later, too freaked out to make such dreams come true.

“Padfoot, I’m-” Remus started apologizing as they approached the Gryffindor table.

“You don’t have to apologize”

Remus felt like he should say something, but he settled for footsie underneath the table, which seemed to improve Sirius’ mood.

“Hey, Sirius” Avery Valentin, Ravenclaw’s seeker, called out after dinner, running a little to catch up with them “I was wondering if you would like to go to the Christmas Ball with me?”

“Yeah, sure” he beamed at her “Sounds great”

Remus felt it in his stomach, same old jealousy, churning. He had almost forgot how it felt and struggled to hide it away. It’s not like he was expecting to go to the Ball with Sirius.

“Do you even talk?” Peter asked Sirius when she was far enough.

“We did a couple times, uh, she’s cool” he answered nonchalantly, and then looked at Remus, furrowing his eyebrows “Why the hell are you looking at me like that?”

Remus shook his head and looked away. He knew they couldn’t go together, but he also knew that watching him slow dance with Avery for a couple hours wouldn’t be a pleasant experience, from what he remembered of seeing Sirius snog Victoria Sinning’s brains out, last year. Stupid outdated tradition, if you cared about his opinion.

“Are you aware that there will be more people at the Ball than in the hallway, right?” Sirius teased.

Remus would’ve rather taken a punch in the stomach instead. When he turned to face him, Sirius was already looking away.

He didn’t talk much in the common room, not even when they bitched about Professor Nablock – Sirius often did an impressively accurate and equally hilarious impression of him, but apparently that evening he was too busy looking absentmindedly through the window to engage in conversation. He kept quiet in the dorm, until James and Peter were asleep.

“May I?” he asked, at the end of Remus’ bed.

“Sure”

Remus used to have quite a lot of nightmares in the beginning – being away from his mother was unsettling and transforming in the Shack terrifying. Sirius would wake up, come to his bed, comfort him with stolen food and talk shit until Remus was asleep – he would still be there in the morning after.

With time and counseling, things got better, and the nightmares became less frequent: by the end of the second year they barely happened, and so did sleeping with Sirius – Remus couldn’t understand immediately why it made him as upset as it did.

A lot changed in the Black household during the summer after the third year: Sirius started to realize his parents’ prejudices and standing up against them, which lead to hours-long violent discussions, that ended up with severe punishments and sometimes physical assault. Remus didn’t even know the worst of it – he cried when he saw bruising on his ribs and since then, Sirius resorted to James to vent.

So, in the fourth year, Sirius came back a few inches taller, with broader shoulders and sadder eyes. He often had nightmares that would wake Remus up, and he would approach him just as he himself used to, only to be turned down and sent back to his bed.

Once, he really insisted and awkwardly laid next to Sirius without exchanging a word until eventually falling asleep; when he woke up, he had his arm around Sirius’ waist, and an obvious erection pressed against his thigh – Sirius was already awake, and he felt so embarrassed that he avoided his eye for two days.

He asked James for help and the following times, whenever he heard Sirius’ shivers and sobs, Remus would wake James up and he would take him for a walk down the corridors, underneath the invisibility cloak. It seemed to do it for Sirius, and Remus was too relieved to let the jealousy take over.

Now, with their bodies pressed together from shoulder to hip to toe, Remus felt just as he did when he was thirteen: overwhelmed, but at ease; restless, but at home.

“I don’t know why I said that” Sirius breathed out “I’m sorry”

Sirius was used to public displays of affection everywhere, being paraded up and down the corridors by whoever was his newest fling, shown-off in every social gathering, and it used to annoy the shit out of Remus to the point where he had never consider it for himself. But he wanted it, he guessed, he wanted people to know Sirius was his.

“Are you like” he said, voice small, frowning, lips shining in the moonlight “unsure?”

“No” Remus reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers “I really like holding your hand. I was just overwhelmed”

Sirius kept frowning, although a little less, hair sprawled all over Remus’ pillow, just as he pictured it.

“I don’t want that. To make you uncomfortable, to push too hard”

“You didn’t. It wasn’t on you. I want-” Remus trailed off as he glanced over at Sirius, the shadows of his long eyelashes stretching over his cheekbones, his skin too smooth to be real, too pristine to be touched.

He wanted him, he wanted him so much it was hard to formulate a coherent thought, let alone communicate it. He wanted to hold his hand everywhere, all the time, but he wanted people to leave them be, he wanted to blend in, for it to seem as natural as it felt. As Sirius opened his mouth, he realized that wanting Sirius and wanting to be overlooked was like wanting water that catches fire.

“Talk to me, tell me how far you want to go”

Remus turned on his side, _to the Christmas Ball_, and then reached for Sirius hair, strands of silk curls running through his fingers, _honestly, to a church hall, if only they would let us._

“I want people to know we’re together” as Remus said it, Sirius’ mouth moved in awe, and relief, forming a slight smile, and Remus felt its warmth under his belly “But I think I can only manage baby steps. It will take me some time to get used to it, to all the staring and gossiping that comes with it, you know”

Sirius nodded, his throat bobbing, his pale skin stretched, and Remus had to get a grip.

“And despite how much I would love to dance with you all night long, going together to an ultra-traditional Ball with all of our colleagues and teachers would just be throwing ourselves to the wolves” he joked, and it took half a second to kick in, before Sirius laugher filled the small space between them.

“Took me a while” he confessed when he caught his breath, turning on his side and caressing Remus’ cheek with the back of his fingers, the cold metal of the ring he had given him (a week ago, finally) contrasting with the rising heat. “Sometimes I forget it, you know?”

Remus did. Actually, in moments like this, when all he could see was Sirius’ silver bright eyes and all he could hear was Sirius’ melodic laugh and all he could smell Sirius’ chocolate breath and all he could feel was Sirius’ fingers on his face, he almost forgot it as well.

“Fancy you even more when I remember”

That did it for Remus. He kissed him long and deep, his hands holding his face even though they itched to go down, and further down afterwards.

“Are we?” Sirius said as he broke the kiss “Together, I mean” he licked his lips, swollen by the kissing “Dating”

“Yes” Remus said, so dizzy with desire than he would’ve said yes to anything.

“Say it, then” he pleaded, voice small, but in a different way, in a lustful way.

“Do you want me to ask you to-”

“No, just say it”

“Alright” Remus kissed his neck “You’re my boyfriend”

Sirius let out a small whimper and kissed Remus until neither of them could feel their faces. Then, he slid his arm under Remus’ neck, who rolled over, so his back was pressed against Sirius’ chest. He thought about this closeness, how all the times and all the ways they had been close led them there.

“I’m going to fall asleep” Sirius mumbled, kissing the back of Remus’ neck and placing his hand on his chest. Remus placed his own hand on top of Sirius’, tangling their forefingers.

“Come spend Christmas with me?” he asked, and Sirius held him tighter, as a response.

It didn’t take long for Remus to fall asleep.

//

The last week before Christmas always flew by, and that year was no exception: it was already Friday (people usually leave for holidays between Saturday night and Sunday afternoon) and the Ball was coming to an end.

Remus ended up going with Lily, since her and James had a disagreement Wednesday and were both too proud and childish to apologize; James had begged Remus to take her, “That’s your job as my gay best friend, we can’t give Snivellus the chance”, he had said multiple times.

He did it gladly, though. They had loads of fun, shit-talked basically everyone, Remus danced a lot more than what he had agreed on and every time he looked at Sirius he was already staring, biting back smiles when their eyes met.

“Evans” a Ravenclaw girl whose name I didn’t know called Lily “kickback in my common room for dick and alcohol poisoning”

“Yeah” Lily smiled and then turned to Remus “You and your extensions coming with?”

“Sure” he smiled brightly and assembled his boys, which was pretty easy since 2/3 were already looking at them.

When they got there, the Ravenclaw’s common room was crowded, with way more people than booze, so they had to get drunk really fast if we wanted to get drunk at all: the four of them drowned three shots each of a cheap muggle drink as soon as they arrived and then Sirius made them extremely strong gin.

Without much control over his legs’ movement, Remus chose to sit on the couch, next to Lily, who was already pretty dizzy too. They discussed the utility of curtains quite loudly (her strongest argument for disliking them was the fact that they single handedly set the color-theme of the room and she hated Ravenclaw’s blue tone) and she was just telling him how much she hated big noses but actually really liked his when she lost her train of thought and started to stare at something behind him.

Remus looked over and saw James, sat on a barstool, enthusiastically explaining something (probably Quidditch related) to a bunch of guys from Ravenclaw, while Sirius nodded and grinned brightly (certainly brighter than any star on the whole fucking universe)

“Isn’t my boyfriend” Remus asked Lily over the music “the cutest ever?”

“Boyfriend?” she asked, giggling “Are you fucking serious?”

“Well, I’m not fucking James” he said, speech slurred, and she laughed even harder.

“Well, you go tell him that” she suggested, amused still “I think your boyfriend ought to know he is the cutest”

“He knows - but I just might” he declared, standing up too fast and losing his balance. After taking a deep breath, he managed to only bump into the furniture twice on his way to Sirius.

“Hey handsome” he greeted him quietly, throwing his arm around his shoulder.

“Moony” he said, quite surprised, but leaned towards him nevertheless, the weight of his body against Remus’ like a lit match starting a forest fire.

The Ravenclaw guys greeted him as well and went right back to discussing Quidditch: Sirius bitched about a coach from some team and they acted like the truest statement of all time had been made, cheering and banging their fists on the table. He resorted to play with the unbuttoned collar of Sirius’ shirt, trying not to stare at his exposed, sweaty chest – failing miserably, it goes without saying.

“Liking what you see?” Sirius asked quietly and Remus looked away, which made him laugh and plant a kiss on Remus' jaw.

“All good there?” Kyle from Ravenclaw asked.

“Get used to it” James said in a mocking tone, and Remus could feel Sirius tense up under his arm.

“Is there anything you would want to tell us, Black?” Jason from Ravenclaw inquired in James’ tone and Remus hoped Sirius would just move away and dismiss it rather than replying something witty in a passive-aggressive manner, that would probably ruin their light, fun mood.

“We’re together, Lupin and I” he said instead, surely, wrapping his arm around his waist. Remus’ heart jolted in his chest.

“Ah, for real?” Kyle from Ravenclaw asked, genuinely curious.

“Yes” Remus confirmed, not really sure what to expect.

“Oh, that’s tight” he pointed out and Remus felt Sirius relax and lean closer “Right lads?”

They were met with a few of “Yeah, totally” and reluctant nods from Kyle’s friends, who, after a little more Quidditch discussion, decided to go get high in their dorm’s balcony.

“Do you want to come?” Jason asked Sirius “it’s probably the best gillyweed I’ve ever smoked”

“I bet it is, but I’m good, thanks” he politely refused.

“Well, I’m in” James said and took off with them – Kyle stood behind to whisper something in Sirius’ ear, and they did a really cool handshake before Kyle clocked out.

“It went quite well, right?” Remus asked Sirius, finally looking him in his eyes.

“It did. Can I kiss you?”

Remus slowly lowered his head to meet his lips, but Sirius had his mind set on something else. He grabbed the back of his neck with ferocity and kissed him hungrily – certainly everyone in the room was looking, and they weren’t taking the baby steps they had agreed upon, but it was not like Remus could resist him, not drunk as he was.

“Do you want to know what I was thinking about this whole night?” Sirius whispered in his ear, before biting its lobe, breath hot on his neck, sending a shiver down his spine “Sex”

“Guess who has an empty dorm” Remus replied, almost panting with desire, electrified just by the thought of it, blood rushing, whispering _yes, yes, yes_ against his veins.

Sirius laughed against his collarbone, “That’s a really smart observation, Moony”

He looked him in the eyes, pupils huge, and took his hand, guiding him out of there, as Remus organized years of back logged wet ideas in his mind.

The door of Ravenclaw’s common room had hardly closed behind them when they spotted Peter, alone, sat down on the hallway.

“Is he crying?” Sirius asked, crossing the space between them without waiting for a reply “Wormtail?”

Peter looked up and wiped his eyes, where new tears started to form. Sirius knelt down and put his hand on his shoulder. Remus felt a wave of impatience – couldn’t they get James to deal with this? It’s not like he was on his way to get laid, come on.

“Mary is inside kissing the Ravenclaw’s keeper”

“Shit” Sirius said, and then pulled him by his arms “Come on, let’s get out of here. A trip to the kitchens?”

Peter nodded, and hugged Sirius. He turned to face Remus, mouthing “I’m sorry”, and he shook his head to tell him that it was fine. What could he do?


	8. 26 (Sirius)

_“You’ve got a mind that is so hell bent on_   
_Fixing me up before I get my coat off_   
_You with those hands that are so hell-bent on_   
_Making a mess I suggest we rethink something”_

Saturday’s morning Quidditch practice was terrible. For starters, Sirius was slightly hungover; even worse, Remus had a hangover so bad he chose to stay in bed over watching him practice.

That reinforced Sirius’ concern that he was too drunk last night: after Peter fell asleep, he was totally in the mood to finish what they had started at the Ravenclaw’s kickback, but Remus kissed his forehead and passed out on James’ bed instead. He started to freak out: was he coming off too strong, too fast? Taking advantage of how drunk he was? When they talked about baby steps, laying so close to each other, he had to put a lot of effort on resisting the temptation of putting his hands down Remus’ pants, and his actions from last night kind of had shown a total disregard about his boyfriend’s wishes of taking it slow, and he felt terrible.

When James got to the dormitory, he has too high to be of any help. “Tomorrow you can ask him if he still wants his dick sucked. I feel like you’re going to like the answer”, he had said, before crashing on Remus’ bed, leaving Sirius stressed and horny, with no other choice but to have a shower and masturbate into oblivion.

He woke up feeling even worse, so practice was truly terrible. When he and James entered the locker room, Sam Wickers told everyone it made him uncomfortable to undress with Sirius there. “Luckily for you, he doesn’t have a thing for house elves”, James had said, a little more helpful than the night before. However, when he fell short on Corbin Hue’s long pass and he said Quidditch wasn’t for faggots, James wasn’t there to stand up for him, and no one else did.

Both angry and, sadly, a little ashamed, he missed every goal he tried to score, dragging unwanted attention for the first time in like, forever.

“Pads, pal, are you okay?” James asked me at the end of practice, running to catch me.

“Yeah, I’m fine” he said, and James tilted his head.

“Is it about Wickers’ stupid comment? Or just sexual frustration?”

“Neither? Both? I don’t know”

“Regarding Wickers, he is just a gigantic prick. And the teasing will stop once we’re back from Christmas break, I’m sure. And Christmas break!” he shoved Sirius’ shoulder “plenty of alone time with Moony to analyze the best way to deal with such frustration”

He let out a slight chuckle. Regardless of sex, or lack of it, he was beyond excited to go spend these two weeks at the Lupins. He couldn’t wait to discover who Remus was when was not surrounded by old parchments, stained feathers, schoolbooks and house robes. Meet his mother and go wherever his scarce fond childhood memories took place, see what hangs in the walls of his room, find out how he tidies his books and how he listens to music in the early mornings.

“You’ll have loads of fun, anyway” James kept going “I’m already late for Arithmancy, talk to you later?”

“Yes, sure. Thank you, Prongs”

A little more hopeful than before and as late as James, Sirius quickly made his way to Alchemy, a subject he was taking only with Marlene. The classroom was next to Slytherin’s common room, in the dungeons, so he had to run down three sets of stairs and across the longest hallway in school in order to get there. As he was reaching the hallway end, Regulus turned around the corner, and they stood face to face, for the first time in a while. His eyes widened in surprise, and Sirius almost tripped.

“Hello. What are you doing here?” he tried to sound nonchalant, but his crossed arms and wandering eyes gave his insecurity away.

“I go to this school as well, you know” Sirius gave him a half smile and he unclenched his jaw “How are you?”

Apparently, Reg had grown a few inches and broken his nose since July, which only accentuated his natural haughtiness. However, when he looked at Sirius, his eyes were as fragile and humble as I remembered them.

“Fine. Where are you spending Christmas?”

Sirius feared how he would he react if he told him he would be at the Lupins – he certainly knew about him and Remus, since what went down in the Ravenclaw’s common room had already travelled through the school hallways.

“Come home” he exhaled nervously, without waiting for an actually reply.

“Grimmauld Place it’s not home anymore”

“I’m sure Mother would let you in. In July, when you ran away, she burned you off the family tapestry; nevertheless, she was always looking out the window, waiting for you to return”

“I won’t, ever again”  
He looked down, seemingly defeated, but when he looked up again his eyes were desperate and angry.

“I need you there. Father is inviting Voldemort and the gold members of his cult – they want me to join it, but I don’t”

Sirius felt it burning in his chest, and he wanted to hold Regulus and bring him with him to Remus’.

“So, don’t”

“It’s not that easy”

“It’s easier than losing your soul. If I managed to crawl out of that hellhole, you can do it as well”

Regulus inhaled and pushed his hair back, trying to keep his composure.

“Stop acting as if you are some kind of hero, too good for your own blood, when just a few hours ago you were completely embarrassing yourself”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Sirius asked, blood boiling.

“You know it damn well, Sirius. Quite a show you put on at Ravenclaw’s afterparty. Disgraceful”

"Mind your business”

“Impossible when everyone’s taking about it”

“Are they giving you shit?”

“Yes, but I can’t really blame them. I’m not even shocked, just fucking embarrassed”

Sirius knew he shouldn’t care about the lack of support, but the disappointment in Regulus’ face made him want to cry and be sick at the same time.

“Oh, are you embarrassed? Well, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that nobody cares about you like my friends care about me. I’m sorry that you’re too much of a coward to be anything more than an extension of your Father. And I’m sorry that you’re going to fight on the losing side of the war that’s coming”

“Fuck you” Regulus spat and moved forward, bumping on Sirius’ shoulder violently “The fault is mine really, thinking I could count on my older brother when you’re actually a disowned little sissy”

“Rot in hell, Regulus” Sirius said as he disappeared, leaving him alone and hurt in the cold, dark hallway. He breathed in and out, five times, trying to shake the sinking feeling of Regulus being lonely, scared and ashamed, all because of him.

When he stopped making a conscious effort to inhale and exhale, his breath hitched and the urge to be sick intensified; he ran off to the closest bathroom and puked his guts out, crying a little while he was at it. Then, as he was sat in the cold and dirty bathroom tiles, shaking violently, his mind wandered to a certain set of brown eyes in a pale, scarred face.

He could picture Remus in vivid detail, waking up next to him, his mouth slightly parted, his nose flinching, blinking one, two, three times before finally opening his eyes, glistening because of the sunlight beaming through the curtains, wrinkles of fondness forming around them when he smiles before whispering “Good morning”, his voice sweet as cinnamon. Breathing him in and out, Sirius was able to stop shaking and slowly get up.

He gave up on Alchemy and went to find him; he had a free morning and Sirius’ intuition told him he was already up, probably in the library requesting books for holiday reading. He spotted him immediately when he entered the deserted room, skimming through the shelves, and stood still for a while, focusing on the shape of his shoulders and hips from afar, watching his hands run through the books until he found what he was looking for and turned away.

“Padfoot?” he asked, surprised “Is everything okay?”

“Uh, no, not really” Sirius murmured, realizing that he ought to have planned a conversation out on his way.

“What happened?” he asked, rather calmly, putting down his book and crossing the space between them.

“I may have just told Regulus that nobody loved him and uh, that he should rot in hell”

“When did you talk? Did you come up to him or was he looking for you?”

“We kind of bumped into each other, when I was on my way to Alchemy” Sirius nervously played with the ring on his finger “Also, I was wondering if you still want to, you know, have sex?”

“Here?”

“Uh, no, not now, just in the near future? I was afraid you were too drunk yesterday to mean it”

“I wasn’t, Sirius, what does it-”

“Because you missed Quidditch, which sucked, I don’t know, I just threw up and-”

“Look, just, take it easy” Remus said, reaching for Sirius’ hand and intertwining their fingers “we can just stay right here while you calm down and then you can explain everything to me, chronologically, if possible”

“Alright, okay” he agreed, breathing slowly and looking down at Remus’ hand until he was thinking of nothing but his soft, scarred skin. Afterwards, he exposed the train wreck my mind had been for the last couple hours and he listened attentively to every word.

“Regarding the sex, I assure you that I want it, so much it’s a little ridiculous. You know I hear you in the shower, and-” he was interrupted by a third year entering the library, which made them laugh, Sirius slightly flustered, _what do you mean you hear me in the shower_ “anyway, it is quite sweet of you to demand explicit and sober consent. So, here am I, giving it to you. Which means that’s no longer an issue, right?”

“Yes, right” Sirius sighed

“Great. And I’m sorry about your Quidditch mates-”

“Fuck them” he declared, and Remus laughed softly “I’m not mad over it”

“Well, you have the right to be, they were pretty shitty. But remember those Ravenclaw guys yesterday? They were cool with it. I guess that presenting yourself as who you are leads to both positive and negative reactions-”

“I guess”

“-but people who like you for you will keep doing so, regardless of who you are”

Sirius tightened his grip.

“And that includes Regulus. You paved another way, but he could always resort to follow your parents’ instructions, and that’s his choice to make, you know? Hence, him not living on your terms nor acting like you doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, I mean, Sirius, of course he does, he’s your brother”

“He told me that he was ashamed of me”

“For kissing me, which is different, although I think that it was probably to get back at you for not spending Christmas with him. However, if you’re proud of yourself, his shame is not your cross to bear”

“Remus, I’m proud of what we got going on here” he sighed, dropping Remus’ hand to tie his hair up “but it saddens me that my brother thinks less of me because of it. And it worries me that he is being forced to join a chauvinistic bigoted clan”

“I don’t know if forced is the right word; as you told him, and proved as well, there’s an alternative. That he voluntarily chose not to take, because he is his own person, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Likewise, there’s nothing your parents can do to change that. You know his heart and you know that when it comes down to it, whatever it may be, he will make the right decision”

Sirius sighed once more, a little more light-hearted this time, and took Remus’ hand again.

“Do you want to go and apologize? I can take you there”

“No, not today, at least” he shook his head, knowing that he needed to sleep on all of it a few nights before talking to Reg again, if he wanted to be less of an asshole, and wanted the conversation to turn out any different “I would like to kiss you now, but, as I said, I just threw up”

“Let’s go brush your teeth then. We might have time for a little kissing before lunch” Remus smiled whole-heartedly, borrowing his book before dragging Sirius out the library.

Sadly, they didn’t have a little time for kissing before lunch, since Peter was moping around in the dormitory. They could have done it afterwards, hadn’t James decided that that was the best time to give them a profoundly detailed description of the broom he was getting for Christmas, before he and Remus had to go to Ancient Runes, their last class before the holidays.

“Moony” Sirius hissed towards the end of the class, bored out of his mind “What were you going to say, when that guy stormed into the library?”

Remus arched an eyebrow “I think I said it”

“Well, not all of it. You were cut mid-sentence”

“Oh, well” Remus looked around, checked if anyone was paying attention “I’ve thought about joining in, you know, to help you out”

Sirius swallowed as he felt a rush of blood below his belt.

“You have?”

“Yeah. Have you? Thought about me”

Sirius nodded, feeling the heat rising on his neck. When he first started thinking about his friend while he masturbated it had only been vague, almost anonymous hands on his stomach, but with time it had evolved to a very identifiable mouth on his neck and very specific hips against his own.

“You are quite loud, but not very vocal, so I couldn’t know for sure” Remus said quietly, leaning closer. Sirius had to adjust in his seat, thinking of Remus saying his name when he gets off.

“Am I? When you think about it” Sirius said, voice low

“Yeah” he chuckled and put his hand on Sirius knee “Not very articulate, but quite demanding”

“Bet” Sirius snorted, already hard.

“Want to know how it plays out? When I think about it”

Sirius nodded again, and Remus whispered in his ear.

“I join you, and we kiss a little, and you ask me to wrap my hand around you”

Sirius stomach dropped and Remus slid his hand up, proceeding to draw tortuous slow circles with his middle finger.

“And I do so, slowly and steadily, and it’s so good you have to grip my shoulders to keep your balance”

“Remus”

“Do you want me to stop?”

Sirius shook his hand, slightly parting his legs in order to give space to his growing boner, which Remus took as invitation to move his hand to his inner thigh.

“But it’s not enough, and you guide my hand to where you really want it”

Sirius’ breath caught in his throat. He rarely allowed himself to fantasize about that, but man, when he did.

“You’re so tight” Remus dragged his voice as he ran his thumb up Sirius’ whole length, and he threw his head back in ecstasy.

“Mr. Black, is everything alright?” Professor Houghton inquired and a few people turned their head to look back.

When Sirius opened his mouth to reply, Remus fully grabbed him, and he chocked in his own words.

“Yes, I’m sorry” he managed to say afterwards.

“It’s irrelevant that you’re almost on vacation, I don’t like it when students do not pay attention to my classes. 10 points from Gryffindor. And you’re staying after class to tidy up these books. You too, Mr. Lupin, since he’s not getting distracted by his own self”

They both nodded, and when he looked away Remus started stroking his hand up and down.

“Would you like that? Getting finger-fucked before morning Quidditch practice?”

Sirius gripped the table and held his breath to avoid drawing any attention. Then, he looked at the clock: four minutes. He wasn’t going to last that long, not like this.

“Remus” he panted, barely making no sound.

“Look at you, Mr. Black. And I haven’t even got to the part where you cum all over my-”

“Alright, class dismissed” Professor Houghton declared, and Sirius groaned with relief, promising to whatever Higher Entity that he was going to be a better person from that moment on “I hope all of you have a merry, merry Christmas, and don’t forget to read the assigned papers!”

As soon as everyone got out, Sirius threw himself at Remus, kissing him ferociously.

“You are one freaky motherfucker, Remus John Lupin” he breathed out and Remus pinned him against the wall “How do you even look me in the face?”

“Your face is the main source of inspiration for all my wet dreams, Sirius Black” he said, laughing, and started to messily kiss his jaw.

“And to think that I was worried that you didn’t-” Sirius started, but then Remus rolled his hips and he was able to feel him hard against his own erection and all coherent though was lost. He let out a series of incomprehensible mumbles as he gripped Remus tighter.

“Speak a fucking sentence” he laughed, pulling away, and the loss of warmth made Sirius cry out.

“I want-” he blurted out, pulling him close, but he only moved slightly.

“Tell me what”

He inhaled deeply, trying to get himself together.

“I want you to make me cum, now”

“10 points to Gryffindor” Remus joked and started to vigorously thrust his hips against Sirius’, saying his name against his neck in short, muffled moans. Sirius came in his pants harder than ever before, gripping Remus shoulders as he chanted out his name.

“I think I won’t be able to live without hearing you say my name like that” he said quietly and out of breath.

“You could’ve at least undressed me” Sirius replied in the same tone, making him chuckle.

“Ask for it, next time” he teased, with a smile dancing on his lips. Sirius kissed him while pulling his hair and he moaned in his mouth – he desperately wanted to hear more of it.

“I’m about to give you something else you won’t be able to live without” he said as he unbuckled his belt and knelt down, looking into Remus’ eyes, pupils widen with expectation, pleading for it.

It didn’t take long before he was melting in Sirius’ mouth, his fingers laced in his hair, cursing nonsense.


	9. Rango (Remus)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading what I've been having a lot of fun writing :) the next three chapters take place in October 1981, 5 years after the previous ones - I hope you like them.

_“I’m done for once_   
_And as soon as I get out of here_   
_I plan on coming back for nothing_   
_But then again there's you”_

“I’m sorry for being late” Remus apologized as he took off his jacket and sat down in front of James, in a small coffee shop at Godric’s Hollow “How are you?”

“I fucking hate when you ask that” James carried his words, exhaling heavily.

James looked like shit. Thinner than he ever was, nails bitten down past the quick, lips chapped, enormous bags under his eyes and wrinkles caused by stress, when they used to be from smiling.

“It was mainly courtesy, but I’m here if you want to vent” he assured, then said quieter “I know you write to Sirius”

Since the beginning of the war, Sirius had been fairly optimistic, in a rational kind of way, which made him the best person to talk to if one needed a motivation boast. And he really knew how to listen. On top of that, he somehow understood every single person’s grieving process, providing exactly what was needed when it was needed. It got to a point where everyone would write him letters looking for solace, James most of all.

“Pads always says what I need to hear” James said in the same tired tone, as if Remus’ observation had been possessive, or resentful. Maybe it had, but he didn’t mean it to, at least not completely.

“Morning, gentlemen” said the barista who had approached their table “Coffee?”

“Yes, please” James nodded “I’ll take a cappuccino”

“Long black for me, please”

“Like your coffee how you like your men” James joked and both Remus and the barista, who was actually black, chuckled.

“They will come in a minute” the barista smiled at their exhausted, now slightly happy, faces, walking away.

“I guess the fact that we’re here, talking about Sirius, but you came all the way to Godric’s Hollow, instead of inviting me to your place, confirms my suspicion that this conversation will be about him, but he can’t take part, nor know of” James said with an underlined accusing tone, and Remus nodded “So, did you cheat? If so, just don’t tell him”

“No, I- James, what the fuck?” Remus felt his heart rushing “If the roles were reversed and he had cheated on me would you just advise him to lie?”

“He wouldn’t cheat on you”

“Neither would I!”

James looked Remus in the eyes for the first time, and he knew what he was thinking of.

“He had broken up with me” Remus stated, offended.

Two years and five months ago they had fought, brutally, regarding some Order-werewolf-related-business Dumbledore had asked Remus to deal with on his own, to the point of breaking up. After a few nights of crying himself to sleep at James and Lily’s, Remus went out, got shitfaced drunk with Caradoc Dearborn and they ended up fucking in his place.

The next day, hit by a strike of stupidity, he had brought him along to the Order meeting, and his obvious hangover face, along with a notorious hickey on his neck, gave it all away. When Remus glanced at Sirius, he was looking at him like he had just told him that Santa wasn’t real, and after Dumbledore excused everyone, James had sucker punched him.

Marlene hosted dinner that same night, where Remus and Sirius fought some more and sorted things out – he ended up sucking Sirius off in Marlene’s kitchen pantry and he allowed him to sleep in the couch at home, which meant that Remus woke up at 5 a.m. with Sirius between his arms, whispering “Please don’t leave again” against his chest.

“So, what is it, then?” James inquired.

Remus breathed in. He had rehearsed what he wanted to say three times on his way there, but at the moment everything sounded utterly idiotic.

“Please ask someone else to be your Secret Keeper” he decided to cut right to it and James let out an angry chuckle.

“Shit, do you have any idea how selfish you sound right now?”

“Prongs, everyone knows it’s him. Any time we encounter Death Eaters they focus on Sirius, and they don’t even try to kill him; it’s Incarcerous and Crucio and Stupefy coming from all the ways at all the times. It takes as much work to defend him as it takes to defend myself and everyone else, plus attacking the opposition. And if he ever gets caught-” the barista delivering our coffees interrupted him.

“If he is, I know he won’t betray us”

“You also know he will die”

James buried his face in his hands and stood still for a while. Remus had never said anything about the possibility of Sirius dying out loud.

“The barista left his number of the sugar packet, look” he broke the silence and James started to drink his coffee.

“Moony, I know how much you love Sirius, I do” James said “But you have no idea how much I love Harry. How far I would go to protect him-”

“How far you would go” Remus interrupted him, flinching with what he was about to say “Sirius’ life is not yours to give”

James looked astonished, and a little disgusted.

“Neither is yours to protect. He is grown, aware of the risks of being the Secret Keeper, and he accepted it nonetheless”

“He could never refuse”

“And I chose him exactly because of that – because he helps everyone, because he would never cheat on you, because he sees the bigger picture, because he would give his life to protect his Godson’s. Today would have been Regulus’ birthday” James drank more coffee, and Remus felt sick for having forgotten “and every day since he died Sirius gets up and fights smarter and loves harder. He turns guilt and pain into strength and passion. If the roles were reversed, and you were the Secret Keeper and he feared for your life, he would turn that fear into a way to love you harder, whereas you are using your fear to put yourself above him, and me and Lily, and Harry”

“If the roles were reversed” Remus argued, throat tight “he would not fear for my life like I fear for his because it wouldn’t be known, and I wouldn’t have this giant fucking target on my back. Please, James, just think about it.”

“It’s not like I would trust you after seeing where your priorities lay” he said bitterly, finishing his coffee “I will talk it out with Lily, though”

James got up and left, leaving Remus alone in his favorite coffee place, trying not to cry. It’s not like I would trust you.

He drank his coffee quickly and paid for it all, before heading to a torturously long day of opening personal mail at the Owl Post Office of Knockturn Alley – Dumbledore arranged everything for him so he could work there, claiming that it was necessary to have eyes and ears anywhere they could. Remus had never, not even once, come across a suspicious letter; they’re always words of sorrow and despair, or condolences, written from poor wizards, who can’t afford a personal owl, to their family and friends. It’s so depressing that it’s tedious.

//

“Sirius, I’m home!”

“Taking a shower!”

The time it took Remus to join him was the time Sirius took to get ready: without even asking how his day had been, he wrapped a hand around him, and they fucked without actually exchanging a word.

Remus is amazed by how good it is every time they have at it – the back and forth of his hips, the up and down of Sirius shoulders, in sync, breathing, being, becoming.

“Love having you inside me, but sometimes I feel you within me” Sirius had whispered cheekily the first time they had sex, in Remus’ bedroom, at the crack of dawn, golden beneath the gentle sunlight, hair sprawled all over the pillows, tears streaming down his cheeks, his legs around Remus’ waist and fingers on his lips.

Remus thought about being within each other a lot of times after – how true it was and how beautifully he had worded it.

“I love you” he said as he came, after Sirius, kissing the back of his shoulder and sliding out of him.

Sirius turned the water on again, washed something, only God knows what, off and stepped out, grabbing a towel and leaving the room.

Feeling deflated and reluctant, Remus quickly washed up and dressed pajama bottoms and Sirius’ Quidditch oversized sweatshirt, meeting him in the kitchen.

“It smells really good” he said and was met with deafening silence, that lasted the whole meal.

“You don’t look me in the eyes when we’re having sex anymore” Sirius accused him bitterly as he finished.

“How can I, if I’m fucking you against the wall?”

“The last couple times, you haven’t as well”

“It takes two to make eye contact. But if I were to guess I’d say it’s not about the sex”

“Maybe it’s not” he finally looked at Remus, angry, as if daring him to start the fight. Remus got up and started to clean up instead.

“Would you like to do something to celebrate Regulus’ birthday?” he asked calmly, as he threw the empty bottle of wine out.

Last year they had apparated to a beach in Northern Ireland, where Sirius’ family went on vacation back in ’71, and, after casting a bunch of protective enchantments, they laid down and looked at the stars. Sirius shared some old memories he had with Reg on that same spot, cried (Remus could count on the fingers of his hand the number of times he had seen Sirius cry) and swore to protect every single person he cared about – he named about 30 people (more than half of them died in the meantime) and when they got back to the flat he hugged Remus the whole night through.

“Funny you ask, since James told me you had forgotten” he hissed.

“Can we do this tomorrow?” Remus asked, too exhausted “I had a pretty awful day-”

“Oh, because mine was great! It’s just lovely to find out that my boyfriend doesn’t trust my ability to keep my best friend’s secret”

“Come on” he groaned, rubbing his eyes “I was just trying to shield you from overexposure and–”

“You can’t do that in a middle of a war! When Dumbledore sends you on your own to God-knows-where, of course I’m scared, but I don’t go behind your back acting like you’re not capable of such”

“I know you’re capable of being the Secret Keeper, I just don’t want you to die because of it!”

“You also don’t want James and Lily to die in case I decide to sell them off”

“What? It’s not– Sirius, baby, it’s not about that. I trust you, completely. I know you’re not the spy” he said gravely, and Sirius scoffed “What are you on? Do you think I’m the spy?”

He didn’t deny it immediately; in fact, he didn’t say nothing at all.

“Oh my God” Remus gasped, tears forming in his eyes. He felt the kitchen tiles collapsing underneath him.

Every day for the last four years he had fought in a war he was destined to lose, against something powerful and cruel beyond comprehension, for that. For James to tell him that he wouldn’t trust him, for Sirius, the person he slept next to everyday, to believe he was working alongside Voldemort.

He grabbed the suitcase in the hall, ran to the bedroom, stripped Sirius’ sweatshirt and dressed one of his, sobbing because it still smelled like him, as every piece of clothing he was throwing in the suitcase did. He looked around and realized, for the second time that day, but now with sorrow and desperation, that Sirius was truly within him, within every God-damned music record they owned, every magically odd object in that room, every fucking picture Remus had ever taken, every letter he had ever written. He didn’t know what to take with him because nothing was his without being Sirius’ too.

“It’s not like” Sirius said from behind him, voice shaking “if I had to guess who it was, I’d say it was you. Of course not. It just crosses my mind. You can’t deny it crosses yours”

“You know what crosses my mind? Running away and hiding at my mother’s” he said furiously, shoving him aside to go to the bathroom and grab his toothbrush “I confess, sometimes, when I see a friend of mine dying right before my eyes or I’m alone in some remote, freezing forest, I think ‘I’m done, I’m getting out of here and not coming back’, but then I think of you, Sirius. Our home and our promises of a better future and all the shit your love got me through”

“Moony-”

“So” he faced Sirius, without quite meeting his eye “if I ever questioned where your loyalty stood, I brushed that thought away the second after. Because you’re my safe haven, you’re solace, you’re what I know better and what I hold dearest, and I trust you because I love-”

“I love you-”

“Don’t-”

“-too”

“Don’t you fucking dare say it-”

“But I do, I do, and that’s not what I question. You’ve hurt me before and I never-”

“I’ve made mistakes, yes” he shouted, throwing a scarf and a pair of gloves and a little snow globe my mother had given me inside the suitcase “but stabbing the Order in the back wouldn’t be a mistake, no, it would be a complete transformation-“

“You would know how to transform”

Silence. It wasn’t a fight no more.

Suddenly he’s twelve again, back at the infirmary, the moment after Sirius told him they knew what he was, and he’s crying in Peter’s arms while James explains to him that nothing is going to change, at all, and Sirius throws a nonchalant “Being a werewolf does give you a few cool points, though. Might have to think my next move through, watch out for the coolest-crown, you know?”

And then his sixteen, kissing Sirius’ lips for the first time after he just mastered extremely complicated magic to keep him company during the transformations, and they’re in his bed, and Sirius is whispering that he sometimes forgets what he is but he loves him just as much when he remembers.

And then he’s nineteen, and he just killed somebody during a full moon. He’s in the middle of a vacant warehouse crying his heart out and, somehow, Sirius finds him, and doesn’t say nothing, just holds him down and takes him back home and kisses every inch of him skin very, very tenderly.

And, finally, he’s twenty-one, and he just fucked Sirius half an hour ago, and he is telling him to his face that I must be a Death Eater because he’s a werewolf.

“Shit, Remus. I’m so sorry. It doesn’t have to do with anything”

Remus closed his suitcase before picking any books to take with him and made his way to the front door.

“Don’t leave. I can’t get any sleep on my own. We can talk it through, please, I’m sorry, I love you, Moony, I love you more than I’ve ever-”

Remus stepped out of the house and closed the door behind him.


	10. Sidewinder (Sirius)

_“Give me some madness I can get off on_  
_I want to endorse you_  
_I want you to exhaust me”_

“Coming in a minute!” Sirius heard Peter’s voice from inside his flat.

Nine days had gone by since Remus left home, and they were certainly the sadder and most miserable nine days of Sirius’ whole life. At first, he thought the guilt would eat him alive, but it turned out that loneliness was the vilest bitch to ever exist – Sirius would agree to years of remorse if it meant that he wouldn’t have to brush his teeth or do the crosswords on his own once more.

Unfortunately, he was the luckiest half – Remus was away on Order business when Hope got killed, three days ago, by two Death Eaters. Sirius thought about writing a letter, but he knew he would’ve hated it.

He was staying at Peter’s since then, which meant that Sirius was going to see him today, in a minute. He thought about visiting, but he reckoned he would want his space in the very beginning, and Sirius hadn’t really talked to Peter since James and Lily decided that he should be the Secret Keeper and they argued violently. Thankfully, Peter had decided to invite the Order over for dinner on that ordinary Tuesday, so Sirius had a chance of making things a little better.

“Hello, Sirius” Peter greeted him as he opened the door, and his eyes laid immediately on Remus, sat cross-legged on the floor, against the couch, with Harry on his lap. Sirius felt sixteen again, his heart racing after he’d found the back of Remus’ head at Platform 9 ¾, after a summer of solitude and longing, and his stomach turning when he looked back and smiled brightly at him.

“Hi, Wormtail. I’m sorry about last time. I was angry but I didn’t mean what I said about you”

“No worries. How are you feeling now?”

“Better, thank you” he hugged him, and Sirius hanged his leather jacket on the coat hanger, catching Remus’ eyes for a second before he looked away. He quickly greeted everyone before sitting down next to him.

“Padoof!” Harry squealed, stretching his arms. Sirius leaned in and he pulled his nose “go-you-nous”

“Oh Harry, I wasn’t expecting that one. What are you going to do with my nose now?”

He gave it some thought, and then slapped Sirius in the face, causing Remus to laugh beneath him.

“Thank you for giving it back, that’s quite considerate of you. Have you also pulled Moony’s nose off?”

Harry made a few incomprehensible noises.

“He has, but he gave it back gently” Remus replied hesitantly, his voice croaky but honey sweet.

“That’s because you got a cute face”

“Cu-face” Harry mimicked.

“Yes, cute face” Sirius repeated.

“Cu-face” Harry said again, laughing.

“Cute face” Remus joined in, and Sirius could feel the smile in his voice.

“Cute face” Harry replicated, laughing even more.

“Yes, Moony has got a cute face. So does Harry” Sirius kept going.

“Mooy cute face. Hauy cute face”

“The cutest” Remus pinched his cheek.

“Padoof cute face?” Harry seemed to ask, and Remus chuckled.

“Yes, Padfoot has also got a cute face”

He looked back at him and their eyes met, and something passed. It must have been perceptible, since Lily leaned over Sirius and grabbed Harry, extending a “Come here, big boy”

Standing next to Remus, Sirius didn’t even know where to start. Homesickness and grief too deep and complex and intricate to simply put into words, and a “I’m sorry” would come short to what he really meant. Sirius adjusted so he was also sat against the couch, his knee touching Remus’, and Remus rested his head on his shoulder, sighing, as if saying “You hurt me but your absence hurts me even more, and maybe that makes me borderline insane and totally deranged but at least we’re in this mess together”

They stood there until dinner was ready, and Remus spent the whole meal playing with the food on his plate absentmindedly, while the rest of them half-heartedly shit-talked the Daily Prophet. After they cleaned everything up, Peter suggested that they played Wizarding Trivia. Fenwick, Arabella and Hestia agreed enthusiastically, but James and Lily refused since Harry was already asleep and it was getting late, and Dearborn, Dorcas and Edgar Bones seized it as their cue to leave.

Looking at Remus, Sirius could tell he didn’t want to tag along, but also didn’t know how to decline since that he was staying over.

“Moony” he called him out, quietly “we’ve got a couple tapes of your mother back home. I’ve watched them. You can come and we can watch it together”

He looked at him warily, while fidgeting his fingers. Sirius was torn between saying that it was fine and asking if they could meet soon and begging him to come home, promising that he’d take the couch and they could do whatever he wanted to.

“Yeah, alright” he nodded “let me just grab my stuff”

“Yeah, of course” Sirius said, trying to tone down how unbelievably radiant he felt as he left the room.

“Padfoot, there’s carrot cake left, want to take some with you?” Peter asked and Sirius followed him to the kitchen.

“Thank you”

“Stand by Moony, alright? Not just tonight, see, with the war and everything, if anything happens to me, or James, just hold on to him, okay? Don’t- I don’t know, don’t put yourself in a position that could make you lose him”

Sirius gathered that there was something really fucking odd about the way Peter was talking to him, but he couldn’t quite put his finger it, and honestly, at that moment, with Remus waiting for him at the door, it didn’t really matter.

“Of course, Wormtail. Now, take care” he patted his shoulder before turning his back and making his way to the hallway, grabbing his coat and following Remus outside.

“Do you think we could walk?” Remus asked.

It was a forty-minute walk, and it was freezing.

“Yeah, sure”

They walked in silence and then Sirius rolled up and lit a cigarette, offering it to Remus after a few drags.

“I’ve got my own” he replied, reaching for the pocket of his overcoat and rolling up his.

Under the streetlights, Remus looked both fragile and fierce, his slight hunchback and trembling, scarred hands and the dark circles beneath his eyes conveying as much exhaustion as they did resilience. Sirius was washed away by wave of deep adoration and struck by the clear realization that he’d always felt this way about him, and that it would be just like that forever – devotion froze in time.

“I’m terribly sorry about your mom, you know. She was exceptional”

“Yeah”

“How are you holding up?”

He sighed and stood in silence for a while.

“It’s just feels surreal” he ended up confessing “That’s it, I guess. I can’t believe it. I can’t wrap my head around it because I still feel her around me”

“She still lives within you”

“Within” he mumbled.

“And, maybe, once something is within you, it’s there forever”

More silence.

“Maybe it is” Remus said after a while, reaching for Sirius’ hand and intertwining his long, callused, trembling fingers with his. Sirius squeeze him tight, scared shitless.

Scared shitless because Remus had just left him when he had begged him not to, and for all he knew he could be selling information to the other side (even though his mother’s death attested his innocence, everyone that could be the spy had suffered personal losses), but still, holding his hand felt better than anything had felt for a while.

It terrified Sirius how much he adored Remus: he did everything Sirius considered off limits, like hooking up with Dearborn and murder, but he also held him together every time he was close to falling apart and cherished all his broken bits and loved him fiercely when he didn’t deserve it, and it was frightening how bound Sirius was to love him no matter what. Truth is, he could break his neck and leave him to die in that empty cold street, he could chew him up and spit him out and sell him to Voldemort; nevertheless, he would still love him to the core of his soul until the day he died.

It wasn’t healthy, nor sane, but it was real. And Sirius much preferred some madness he could get off on over the crushing void that was life without Remus. Sirius wanted him, with everything that wanting him meant: he wanted to hold Remus’ hand and support him unconditionally, just as he wanted him to exhaust him and tear him apart from time to time.

When they got home, Remus had to use the bathroom and Sirius set everything up, sitting down on the couch as he waited for him. Remus sat next to him and he ran the tape.

It was Christmas, 1976, the first he had spent with them. The footage, which Sirius recorded, starts with a close up of sixteen-year-old Remus, in green pajamas and uncombed hair, grinning while unwrapping the present Hope got him. The camera moves to her, who makes a funny face, and then it zooms out, capturing both Remus’ squeaks as he holds in his hands a special edition of Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them and Hope’s expression of profound fondness. He crawls to her lap and they embrace each other while laughing. It feels like a lifetime ago.

The second one is shorter and older, recorded by Lyall in 1964, before Remus has bitten and he left. Hope is pushing Remus while he rides a bicycle in the front porch of his old house, and then she lets him go and he keeps riding easily. The footage zooms in on her, young and blissful, and she smiles widely, resembling Remus so much it hurts.

Sirius look over at him and tears are running down his face.

“Do you want to watch them again?” he asked softly.

“God, yes”

They watch them over thirty times. By then, Remus had laid on the couch, his head on Sirius’ lap while he ran his fingers through his hair and wiped the tears away.

Sirius realized how sure he was of it; death, war, espionage, secrecy, they were all possibilities. Was he going to die tomorrow? Was the war ever going to stop? Was Remus the spy? Sirius couldn’t know. But did the salty water of Remus’ tears on his fingers felt like baptism, resurrection, salvation? Surely. Hell unleashed and redemption found in Remus’ arms.

“Do you want me to grab the carrot cake?” Sirius asked, mid first tape, and Remus nodded.

He did so and Remus proceeded to nuzzle up against him when he got back. Sirius mouth-fed him pieces of cake, his lips brushing against his fingers.

“I went to my mother’s after I left, and I told her about our fight” Remus confessed with his mouth full “she thought that I was taking it too personally, that it was normal for you to be unsure, given all that’s going on. And being with Peter, I – it made me understand suspicion of someone you trust, I guess. Maybe I’m just sex-blind when it comes to you”

Sirius chuckled wetly, and caressed Remus’ cheek.

“And she told me that what really mattered was that you wanted me home with you, regardless of your doubts. So, I’m not mad at you. A little sore, but not angry”

“The one thing I don’t ever doubt is that I’d love you no matter what” Sirius said out loud and it sounded even scarier than when it was just a thought.

Remus looked away and ran the tape again.


	11. Tyrants (Remus)

_“But your divine ribs would help break mine  
We hit the ground, so let's hit the ground”_

Remus woke up with terrible, high-pitched and out of tune electric guitar chords coming from the living room.

“Sirius, tone that shit down!” he grunted, and Sirius did, so Remus turned around and slept some more.

Three days before, on the full moon’s eve, Fenwick, Hestia and Dearborn had been killed on a mission, so it was quite a violent transformation for both him and Sirius. Apparently, a cuddle day was all it took for Sirius to get back on track.

It was silent when Remus woke up again, and the sun was already high when he opened the blinds. As he entered the living room, he was struck by the agonizing sound of the electric guitar, even louder, which made him flinch.

“Sorry baby, casted a Silencing Charm outside the room and didn’t see you there” Sirius stopped, smiling with the guitar pick between his lips “Good morning”

“Morning” Remus approached him and kissed his forehead “You went out?”

He was dressed up, matching his ripped black jeans with a ridiculous, Halloween themed, knitted crop top. Sirius also looked warmer and happier than what was humanly possible given the circumstances, but looking back in time he always did, and maybe that was the foundation of it all.

“Yes, I was craving pretzels like hell. You got a few waiting for you in the kitchen”

“Thank you” Remus said, heading to the kitchen “Now tell me, how do you manage to look so hot in such an absurd fit?”

“That’s rich coming from someone who looks like heaven in worn out pajamas” 

Remus had been avoiding his reflection, but he knew Sirius was lying; he smiled nonetheless and started to make tea.

“Plus, I know how you love me in crop tops” he kept going “I remember Lily’s birthday in fifth year”

So did Remus. When Lily turned sixteen, they threw a party in the common room and Sirius used his Quidditch tee from when he was twelve, cropped out above his bellybutton. Remus was finishing out the details of Lily’s present when he got out the bathroom, and he still doesn’t know what his face did, but it surely did something, since Sirius let out a self-conscious ‘Is it too much?’; flustered fifteen-year-old Remus said something along the lines of ‘Not at all, you look hot’, with a little stuttering in between.

Dorcas had invented a drinking game in which person A would have to run their hand up person B’s leg for ten seconds, and in case the latter asked the first to stop, the seconds the person B couldn’t handle would be the shots they would have to drink. James touched Lily’s leg for four seconds before she drank six shots, getting completely wasted, and Remus already had three shots in his system when the bottle turning on the ground declared that it was his turn to run his hand up Sirius.

Remus had ben counting on him to stop on six, or seven, but they were already going on eight and he had his hand on Sirius’ thigh, and since moving to his crotch wasn’t an option, Remus softly ran his fingers through his uncovered V-line, where goosebumps rose. Sirius looked at him funny while everyone cheered him for handling the 10 seconds, although Frank Longbottom said it was cheating since Remus had changed the route, or whatever. For the next couple months, he thought about his fingers on Sirius’ waistline about twelve times a day. 

“I do, but I’m kinda used to them by now” Remus said, getting back to the living room and handing Sirius’ the mug “It’s the enormous pumpkin with the Sorting Hat that throws me off”

“Bet this pumpkin would be a Hufflepuff”

“Fair enough. Did your festive sweater get you any compliments?”

“Oh yes, a very handsome young man asked me if I knew how to play the electric guitar and then proceeded to beg me to let him suck my dick, but I had to tell him I’m tied up to a grumpy werewolf, et cetera et cetera”

“Poor very handsome young man”

“Indeed, but I feel like if he was the pumpkin in my sweater he wouldn’t be sorted into Gryffindor, and I like my men in red”

“I’m wearing blue”

“While that’s true, that’s also false because I know for a fact that your underwear is red”

“You could make a song out of that”

“Damn right I could” Sirius laughed and started to throw foolish lyrics about the color of Remus’ underwear into a combination of random and dissonant chords. Remus joined in on the piano and after a lot of fucking around they came up with something remotely melodic. It seemed silly in the middle of a war, but at the moment was probably the only thing keeping them alive.

“Play some Johnny Mathis?” Sirius asked him, tired out “Only if you feel like it, of course”

Johnny Mathis reminded him of his mother, but lately everything did, from the chamomile tea on his hands to the mismatched socks on his feet. He was finally coming to terms with the fact that he’d never see her again and it angered him more than anything else – she was fourty-seven, there was no way that what she was meant to be and live and do here on Earth was done. But then again, all his friends were dying in their twenties, and thinking about the meaning and the reasons of it all would drive anyone insane.

“It’s not for me to say you love me” Remus hummed softly, swiftly pressing the keys in the piano “It’s not for me to say you’ll always care” 

Sirius closed his eyes, laying down.

“Oh, but here for the moment, I can hold you fast, and press your lips to mine, and dream that love will last”

Remus’ fingers played the song automatically and he felt like thirteen again, when he and his mother had baked a caked in celebration of Remus’ first flawlessly played song.

“As far as I can see this is heaven” he kept going but his voice broke “and speaking just for me” 

“It’s ours to share” Sirius picked up where he left “Perhaps the glow of love will grow with every passing day, or we may never meet again, but then, it’s not for me to say”

He kept playing, messing it up a little bit on the best part.

“And speaking just for me it’s ours to share” Sirius carried on “Perhaps the glow of love will grow with every passing day”

“Or we may never meet again” Remus sang along “But then, it’s not for me to say”

Sirius got up and kissed him gently, whispering “I love you so much, Remus” against his lips, shielding him from war and death and treason and fear and despair. Remus kissed him back, his fingers stroking his bare skin, and they fooled around until they got to a really bizarre position, in which Remus was kneeled on Sirius’ stomach.

“Why haven’t we fucked in this position yet?” Sirius asked, and Remus laughed.

“I would crush you to death, Sirius”

“Would be an amazing way to die, though. My ribs broke by your divine-”

Sirius was interrupted by his own laughter, as Remus started to unbuckle his belt. Likewise, they were interrupted by an owl, pecking on their window.

Sirius got up to fetch the letter and frowned as he read it.

“What?”

“Meadows is dead. She was in a mission with Arabella, who is in an abandoned factory outside of town. I’ve got the location. Let’s hit the ground?”

Without any time to process Dorcas’ death, Remus got dressed quickly and they hit the ground, coming across Arabella fighting off six Death Eaters on her own as soon as they got there.

“Stupefy!” Sirius struck one of them “Relashio!”

“Oppognuo!” Remus enchanted an obsolete wheelbarrow, taking out two.

“Avada Kedavra!” one of them aimed at Sirius.

“Protego!” Remus intervened “Avada Kedavra!”

Arabella, formerly too busy defending herself, attacked and killed the other two. 

“Bones and Fletcher should be here” she blurted, out of breath.

“Let’s take a look around, shall we?” Sirius asked, out of breath as well and they followed him to the upper floor, aimlessly walking around in the dark debris, until four other Death Eaters appeared.

“Densaugeo! Confringo!” Arabella hit one and then another.

“Locomotor Mortis! Bombarda!” a Death Eater attacked Arabella, who burst into shreds.

“Avada Kedavra!” Sirius and Remus said in unison, killing the two standing. 

Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand and pulled him out of the room before he could look at Arabella’s remains. They stood still, pressed against the dirty brick wall, and heard steps downstairs, making their way down still holding hands, to find a confused, alone Mundungus Fletcher. 

“Oh, hello. Dorcas and Arabella?” he asked, scared.

“Dead” Sirius replied, neutral in a terrifying way.

“Edgar?”

“We haven’t seen him” Remus said, sighing and running his hand through his hair. 

“Mates?” they heard Edgar Bones’ voice coming from upstairs “Black, is that you?”

Before Sirius could say anything, two Death Eaters turned up.

“Crucio!” one of them aimed at Remus.

“Impedimenta!” he jinxed “Petrificus Totalus!”

“Confringo!” Fletcher attacked the other one.

“I’m going to back Bones up” Sirius warned.

“See you soon” Remus said, prayed, before getting back to fighting “Incarcerous!” 

“Tarantallegra!”

“Stupefy!”

“Imperio!”

They fought for a while, both of the Death Eaters way more experienced than the previous ones, but by the time the bright green light of the killing curse shined from above them the Death Eaters dematerialized. 

“Sirius?” Remus screamed and didn’t hear nothing back.

“It was Lucius Malfoy” Fletcher mumbled, shocked “We used to play Quidditch together”

“Sirius?” Remus shouted again, ignoring Fletcher and running up the stairs “Sirius Black!”

Remus rushed through the vacant rooms, calling out his name desperately, until he saw him kneeled on the floor, frozen.

“Sirius!” he breathed out, kneeling beside him “Are you alright? Why didn’t you-”

“James” he mumbled, numb, his eyes unfocused, blurred with tears “Harry”

“What?”

“I can’t believe- I knew- I should’ve” he tripped on his own words and on his feet as he tried to get up “I’ve got to go”

“What’s going on? Has anything happened to Harry? Do you know where James is?”

“Remus” Sirius said, desperately, looking at him without really focusing, or seeing anything “Wait for me at home” he pleaded as he undid his hair and handed Remus his red hair tie, before dematerializing.

And Remus waited.


End file.
